The '23' feeling

 

 

I've never felt so confused or so lonely at any age; being 23 has been one of the hardest, and worst years of my life. Although, that said, it's also been one of the best years of my life because of the hard times. I feel as though I'm having a quarter life crisis, stuck in a rut in various ways. I'm unhappy with so many aspects of my life and I feel so incredibly lonely. The feeling of loneliness is the worst, as well as being ever-so-slightly stupid. I have friends and a relationship that's going very well, considering how crazy I am as a person, mentally. I suppose you could say that I'm missing friends who I haven't kept in touch with. But then, I could also argue that they haven't kept in touch with me either.

Friendships, relationships... They are always two way things, I know that, yet I struggle to remember that. I've had a really rough year and I'm struggling to come to terms with that, and struggling further due to the realisation that my life is never going to be the same at it was... adulthood has literally hit me like I've had a tonne of bricks smashed into my face. I long to be 18 again, with no money but loving life. I just feel like I'm having a crisis in general, as in, I'm not happy with my weight, my looks overall; nothing is able to keep my attention for long any more and I just feel listless. In reality, I guess it's me struggling to understand how much I've changed in the past few years.

I've gone from an overconfident 16 year old, to severely underconfident and anxious from the age of 17. Admittedly that did calm down at the beginning of university, at roughly 19 years old, but literally from 20 years old I've struggled so badly and that hasn't improved whatsoever. I feel like a different person when I look back at photos of myself as a teenager, I worry if that's a normal thing. I guess the time is now to accept who I am, because yes I may be severely anxious and borderline depressed but I do have positive parts to my life as well as negative. My biggest problem is my tendency to see all the negative without even thinking about the positive. This year has been the hardest of my life, but it's a turning point; from now it can only improve. I have support and although only a few, I have some really strong relationships now and those are the ones I'm determined to keep. I'm going to do my absolute best to brush off the '23 feeling'.