Anxiety Struggles

 

Having started a new job literally last week, I've once again found that my anxiety has gone sky high again. Nothing can prepare you for the insane feelings of loneliness that you will inevitably feel. What I've struggled with the most is not only the dreaded feelings of loneliness, but also with feeling useless and therefore like I have no clue what I'm doing. However, what I've found the hardest is letting go; not knowing what I actually am supposed to be doing, or having any kind of control over anything. This probably sounds a bit pathetic, but after being in my last job for five years, I knew more or less everything that was expected of me and how to do it. Whereas now I feel as though I need more help, more direction; I'm not used to feeling like I need to be told what to do constantly, I'm used to simply knowing what to do.

The worst thing about changing jobs is the lack of confidence that I'm currently experiencing; I feel like I need everyone to like me, everyone to constantly give me advice or tell me that I'm doing ok. Pathetic as it is, I'm deeply insecure right now. I'm literally scrutinising myself so much right now, my weight, my height, my physical looks and my mental capacity. I hate admitting this, but I'm struggling right now, which is really stressful as just a few weeks ago I had been taking great steps to realise that I was doing better, I felt a huge amount of positivity headed my way. However, I guess with huge bouts of positivity, it makes sense that negativity follows that as not every day can be a good day, just as not every day can be a bad day.

I guess I'm learning that the good days and the bad days are all valuable lessons; realistically life isn't as simple as always being up or always being down, you have to work for your luck. Yes life is difficult right now, but in a few weeks time I'm sure I'll be much better again. At the moment I'm adjusting to having a new job, a new schedule and potentially a new life. I really miss my friends, my old job (something that I would never have dreamed would be true) as I was in a comfortable state. Although what's keeping me going and pushing through with my new job is that I can't stay the same forever, I need to change, I need to encourage myself to reshape, relearn and reassess myself. I want to push myself to better myself, as difficult as it feels. Living with anxiety is so incredibly hard, but whenever you manage to pull through, you feel so good for it. So yes, it's hard right now but in a month or so, I'll be proud of myself for surviving this rough patch. Because I am a survivor.

 

Things I've learnt in 2016

 

1. I am a fighter. I've had a really shit year, and a great year in one. I met the most amazing man through a really rough time, to the point that I didn't understand why I was alive, or why I wanted to even be myself. I've never been so low, but somehow I met someone who stuck by me through thick and thin, highs and lows. Without him, I'm not so sure that I could fight this life, but I survived alone long enough to meet him. I don't know where my strength has come from, but I've learnt that the only way is up from here.

2. You make your own happiness. When I was severely down and depressed, with nothing to look forward to, I made myself feel even worse. Avoiding friends, losing touch with friends made me feel even more alone and isolated then I already was. Being unhappy in myself, unhappy in my job made me feel so trapped. Getting back in touch with friends, forcing myself to put make up on and leave the house, finding inner strength and pretending to happy enabled me to find happiness. They say that when you're down, you find your true fiends and they helped me to be happy.

3. You have to love yourself, to love someone else. I met someone so special this year and sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am; however, to truly love him I also have to understand that he loves me. Yes, I don't feel worthy but ultimately he does love me and I love him too; but I have to love and care for myself to be happy and healthy enough to keep this relationship together. It's about two people and both of us have to put in the effort, it can't all be one sided. I've learnt to accept my flaws and live with the fact that no one is perfect, he's definitely helped me to see the positives in myself.

4. Friendships don't always last. I finished university in 2015 and thought I had life long friends; in reality I've got one friend from university, two friends from sixth form and no friends from school. My closest friends are from work and even then, my closest friends are not the same as they were a year ago and that's fine, I guess. People change and we develop new friendships or improve on old friendships. My best friend is genuinely the closest I've felt to anyone in a really long time and I love her to pieces but I'll admit I've definitely lost other friends who turned out not to be as great as they seemed.

5. Strength comes from understanding. This is so, so important. I've relied on so many different people this year and that's actually ok. It can be hard to admit that we need support or help but sometimes a second or third opinion can really encourage you to see from a different perspective. This year I've learnt that it's good to listen to other people, that it's ok to rely on another person to be positive. Positivity and strength comes from within, but are definitely influenced by understanding and to gain understanding you have to learn. I found that to learn I needed advice and support, which I got in bundles from two of the most important people in my life. I'm so greateful that I learnt to share my troubles as I truly believe it saved my life.

6. Remind yourself of the good times. I struggle to remain positive a lot of the time. Recently I invested in a photo frame that hangs above my bed in a fitting heart shape. Inside the heart I keep a variety of photos of my boyfriend and family members on days that I've really enjoyed. It keeps me feeling happy when I'm having a bad day or week, as well as looking nice visually. Every time I feel a bit rubbish I try and think about a time I enjoyed to keep myself on a little happy plane as being negative doesn't help me focus.

 

Let it be

 

 

A couple of years ago I started suffering from severe panic attacks... Severe to the point that I was afraid to leave my house. This was during my second year of university and I felt like no one believed that this was how I was feeling, or that no one else understood how I was feeling. These attacks actually calmed down a lot during my third year of university, which was a massive relief but I was still having about 4 a week I guess. Once university was over, I stopped having them altogether. At first, I thought there was a correlation between finishing university and the panic attacks stopping.

However, there clearly wasn't a correlation as the panic attacks started again this year. I was in an abusive relationship, to the point that I was having daily panic attacks that affected every aspect of my life; my work, my friendships, my personality... Now the panic attacks are much less but I'm afraid of being alone, in case there's no one to be there to help me, to calm me. I'm afraid of dying. (Dramatic as it sounds, I know.) When you have a panic attack, it literally engulfs you. You can't breathe, can't move... You feel physically sick, as though someone is strangling you, or punching you multiple times in the stomach.

Slowly it will get easier, and I know that. It got easier before. Right now, I have amazing support in my life but I just can't control these panic attacks, no matter how hard I try to, no matter how hard I try to let go of the hard feelings. I suppose the only thing that I can do at the moment is let it be. Everything will be ok, in time. It's a hard lesson to learn, but a true one. I'm finding that going for walks is really helping to clear my head, to feel more calm. Finding the beauty in the outside world, helping me to find the beauty in staying alive.

Monthly Reflections #3

 

It feels as though Christmas is getting ever closer at the moment, which therefore means that the new year is coming not long after. In all honesty, I'm not the most social of people, but during this time of year, I do actually enjoy going out more and spending time with family and friends. That said, I hate the cold but somehow, it's bearable because everyone seems to be fairly upbeat and friendly. With this in mind, I feel as though it's time to think about my personal goals. I'm not one for ever sticking to New Years resolutions, therefore I want have goals that I can work on overall, regardless of the time of year so to improve my life.

One of the most important goals I have is to look after my health as I haven't been in the best state for a while. I want to improve my health physically and mentally. I tried going running and actually that did help to clear my head as well as getting my fitter physically and I'm thinking that doing some  exercise will help me, alongside actually making an effort to concentrate on the good things in my life and not constantly focus on the negative things. I want to focus on pushing forward and keeping forward, my intention is to get better and not go back down again.

As a result of focusing on my health, I also want to focus more on my relationship, my boyfriend is literally one of the most patient and supportive people I've ever met and I need to appreciate him far more than I do. I need to spend more time building friendships new and old, even if it's just sending a text or meeting up for a quick coffee. I have a terrible habit of not looking after my health and therefore neglecting other aspects of my life, such as friendships and relationships in general. 

During the past few months I've really been enjoying blogging more regularly; it's been a therapeutic experience for me. I've been pushing through my low moods to keep going and actually make an effort to continue doing something. It's an enjoyable hobby for me, and I'm really loving it at the moment.  In the future, I would really love to meet other bloggers and generally push myself to be more sociable as I do have a tendency to shut myself away. I feel as though I've been pretty consistent with my blog these few months and I'm planning to continue posting regularly. 

On a final note, I want to have a holiday as soon as possible, or at least some time off from work. I feel as though I'm literally frying my brain; I'm currently working a ridiculous amount of hours a week, as well as getting few hours sleep a night. Insomnia has always been a problem for me, since my later teenage years, but recently it's begun to spiral out of control and has started to affect my health. With this in mind, I just feel as though I need to relax, recharge my batteries and find myself again.

The '23' feeling

 

 

I've never felt so confused or so lonely at any age; being 23 has been one of the hardest, and worst years of my life. Although, that said, it's also been one of the best years of my life because of the hard times. I feel as though I'm having a quarter life crisis, stuck in a rut in various ways. I'm unhappy with so many aspects of my life and I feel so incredibly lonely. The feeling of loneliness is the worst, as well as being ever-so-slightly stupid. I have friends and a relationship that's going very well, considering how crazy I am as a person, mentally. I suppose you could say that I'm missing friends who I haven't kept in touch with. But then, I could also argue that they haven't kept in touch with me either.

Friendships, relationships... They are always two way things, I know that, yet I struggle to remember that. I've had a really rough year and I'm struggling to come to terms with that, and struggling further due to the realisation that my life is never going to be the same at it was... adulthood has literally hit me like I've had a tonne of bricks smashed into my face. I long to be 18 again, with no money but loving life. I just feel like I'm having a crisis in general, as in, I'm not happy with my weight, my looks overall; nothing is able to keep my attention for long any more and I just feel listless. In reality, I guess it's me struggling to understand how much I've changed in the past few years.

I've gone from an overconfident 16 year old, to severely underconfident and anxious from the age of 17. Admittedly that did calm down at the beginning of university, at roughly 19 years old, but literally from 20 years old I've struggled so badly and that hasn't improved whatsoever. I feel like a different person when I look back at photos of myself as a teenager, I worry if that's a normal thing. I guess the time is now to accept who I am, because yes I may be severely anxious and borderline depressed but I do have positive parts to my life as well as negative. My biggest problem is my tendency to see all the negative without even thinking about the positive. This year has been the hardest of my life, but it's a turning point; from now it can only improve. I have support and although only a few, I have some really strong relationships now and those are the ones I'm determined to keep. I'm going to do my absolute best to brush off the '23 feeling'.

Favourite Instagrammers - October

Yet another month has come and gone and my Instagram addiction is still going strong :) below are some of the lovely accounts that I've been loving recently and I've been njoyed following for various reasons, for example some of them love to travel, or love fashion and I like seeing what other people enjoy or what others are passionate about. All the images were taken using a simple Google search using the usernames detailed blow.

 

themagpiegirl

I adore Vicki's Instagram, it's so stunning photography it's amazing. She's currently pregnant and it's lovely watching her documenting her journey and what she's buying for the baby. She takes the nicest close ups of her homewares and decorations alongside her general lifestyle. Even the most basic photograph of a cake or a clock looks so fresh and interesting and I really do admire her 'country' style kitchen with its soft teal toned interior.

 

racheldarling_

Rachel's Instagram is definitely one to enjoy; I love the vintagey style of all of her photographs which also reflects her own personal style. A mix of landscape, interior and self portraits, her insta page almost transports you back to the 1950s. I love how dedicated she is to herself and her 'look'; her outfit posts are absolutely lovely as her clothes look so so beautiful. I have major wardrobe and figure envy, she defines the idea of the pinup era.

 

sophierosie._

Sophie manages to make a lazy day in bed or a visit to a coffee shop look interesting, somehow. Her page has a definitive style, of mostly crisp whites and high contrast, which I admire as I can never stick to a theme. She documents even the little things, like have a breakfast in bed or editing on her laptop. I love her soft and comfy interior style, with knitwear and cushions everywhere. She's proof that even the ordinary is extraordinary photography wise.

 

lucieloves 

This girl really loves to travel the world, as a result of that her posts are pretty addictive. She finds beauty in the smallest of details, such as tiled flooring, bricks or plants. I like how she takes photographs from interesting and unusual angles and has a clear taste for adventure. She's also very pro positive thinking and thoughts and posts positive life quotes fairly regularly across her feed, which if you do struggle with mental health does give you a push to keep on the right track to happiness.

 

underthehutch

Ffion's feed has a slightly hipster aesthetic about it; full of landscapes, sunsets and close ups of outfits. It's a bit of a random collection of photographs but I like that about it, there's no rigid theme and her selfies show how physically beautiful she is. Her cheekbones are very pleasing :) she often posts photos of of rabbits, cameras and her room which has photographs all over it, showing how much photography is a part of her life.

London Nightlife

 

I think that many people have a bit of a fear of walking around London at night, that it's dangerous (apparently especially for girls/women) and if I'm honest I used to be afraid. But now I actually prefer night time and there are several things that I plan to do in the city in the coming months. London looks so nice at night, with the skyscrapers lit up and the strange mix of old and new architecture visible from so many spots. One for the things I've really wanted to do for a few months is eat at a rooftop restaurant in Central London so that I can sit back, eat and take in the sights. In fact, I really want to explore new experiences, new eateries and dine with good company and watch the autumn days disappear into winter.

1. The Sky Garden

2. The Doodle Bar

3. Cahoots

4. The Basement Galley

5. OXO Brasserie

I feel as though I should be taking more opportunities to enjoy living in one of the best cities in the world, to take more chances to see things, do things and enjoy things. I want to spend more time with friends, the friends who stick by you through the good times and the bad; I intend to enjoy life more, enjoy doing things. It's better to live and not just exist and so I'm taking small steps to really try and live my life. I've spent so much of this year being desperately unhappy that I want to keep pushing for my happiness and keep feeling truly alive. If anyone has any suggestions for things to do, let me know in the comments :)

Monthly Reflections #2

 

On a serious note... I have no idea where this month is disappearing?! It's suddenly turned colder and autumn is definitely coming into full swing, but I like it. I love autumn and wearing jeans and boots and warm clothes. Literally I feel like achieved nothing at all this year, but in reality I've actually achieved a lot personally. Ever so slowly I'm learning to be more positive and far less negative. I'm learning to enjoy the small things, like taking my dog for a walk or listening to music on the bus on the way to work. Photography has become an essential part of my life and a way of releasing creativity, as well as enjoying the world around me. I've realised that having a hobby, a distraction, helps me to keep perspective during harder times.

I'm in a fantastic relationship with the most amazing and supportive person, who puts up with all of my shit (somehow) and I need to be more appreciative of the time that we spend together. I've learnt that it's not always the length of time you've been a couple but how much someone means to you that's important. I've stopped counting months and days and instead am enjoying all of the moments, however small. Giggles on the bus or sending each other stupid snapchats, waking up to nice texts are what makes the time special. I feel like the months are going faster now because I'm starting to feel a little better.

I think it's time I went to a doctor and spoke about my negative feelings, how I'm almost always down when I should be feeling fine. I want to tackle my issues with anxiety and try to (embrace?) (almost?) that I have a mental illness, something is not always fixed in a matter of minutes or hours, even days, weeks or months are not enough. I've struggled for literally years (if I'm honest around thirteen years) and I feel that now is the time to finally admit it. I'm wondering if I need to see a therapist, but maybe the answer is confide in the people around me. No, I don't have thousands of friends but I can name several who would listen and definitely support me, and for that I should be more grateful.

So, yes this months reflections have been a little strange, a little confusing, perhaps. But I guess that's also a reflection on myself, as I'm a little strange, a little confusing. I'm a female in my early twenties with so many things to understand, to work through. I'm twenty three, have no idea what I'm doing with my life, or what I want to do with it and I think that's ok. Everything in my life is going ok, so I need to learn to live in the now, rather than living for the 'future' that I dreamt up for myself whilst I was around eighteen years old. So many things have changed in those five years and so my outlook needs to change to reflect that. Nothing in life is set in stone.

Tall Ships Festival @ Sail Royal Greenwich

 

Last Sunday my two nephews, mama and I went on along the River Thames on a boat, as part of a 'river cruise', complete with real sailors directing the ship along the course of the river. Starting from Woolwich Arsenal Pier and moving along towards the Royal Greenwich Heritage Centre, it was a really incredible way to see the sights of my hometown. My nephews, aged 12 and 14 were enjoying themselves, eating from canapés and drinking cokes frim glass bottles whilst looking out over the river. It was a rather nostalgic experience in some ways; my puppy Star, who died two years ago loved watching the ships sail along the river during the festival and so it was a reminder of her, in a way. As well as that, as we passed Silvertown docks we talked about my grandfather who worked there and how one of my nephews was named after him as he died when I was young.

In all honesty the river is a fantastic way to see all areas of the city; from Poplar Rowing Club, Silvertown Docks, the Emirates Cable Car and the o2 arena, there are so many different things to see. One thing that I noticed is how the old and new architecture mixes in together, from Stuart Palaces, 1900s factories and docks to millenium aged flats and oddly-shaped houses. It was a really nice experience to see the city from a traditional boat rather than ferry as it was slower and so you had more time to take the views in fully. My nephews seemed to really enjoy themselves, one was a bit hyperactive and desperate to see and do everything all at once, and the other was quite solemn, staring intently at different things and really concentrating. During the tip I also found out that the youngest one is very keen on photography and we definitely bonded over that. These river cruises are only available for a short time and if you can go, you should. Mama and I agreed afterward that we wished we had booked one of the fireworks evening cruises, but with kids the daytime version was probably the safest.

Farmopolis @ Greenwich Peninsula

 

One lazy Sunday afternoon my mother decided it was appropriate to force me out of the house for something other than work. Considering I'd finished work at around 3.30am that same morning and had about 3 hours sleep, it took a lot of persuasion to encourage me to want to get out of bed and do something. Farmopolis is a new site, based on the old jetty along the riverside of the Greenwich Millenium Village in the Peninsula area. It's a new 'recycling' based concept and fairly unique in many ways. Essentially an urban farm and organic restaurant, at the moment it is incredibly aesthically pleasing with hundreds of scattered plants and flowers surrounding the buildings having been transported from the Chelsea Flower Show.

The reason for going was because my mother has actually booked us in for a jewellery making course, although not the regular kind... Instead of using traditional jewellery making materials, such as stones or beads we were using dried flowers. We each made a ring using a glue gun, a 2 pence piece and real flowers, (a mixture of dried and fresh) and were given the freedom to design the ring however we wanted. I loved the brightly coloured flowers and even the thistles, but somehow I ended up with a foresty green set of florals, a more natural choice of colours. Completely different to what I expecte, but I actually really enjoyed taking part in the workshop and would like to try this technique again as the rings are all so unique but so beautiful. The downside is that they don't last forever, unfortunately.

The ladies running the workshop were from Electric Daisy Flower Farm and often make flower based creations and decorations for weddings and I have to say that my favourite pieces are the floral hair crowns which would look lovely at a summer wedding or festival. The jetty was a nice venue to hold a jewellery making workshop as the balcony flowers from the Chelsea Flower Show were places all along the riverside and made for some lovely photos against the floral rings. Plus as you will all know by now how much I love walking along the riverside it was so relaxing to just sit and take in the view and be inspired by nature. Not a bad afternoon considering how little I wanted to leave my bed, let alone my house! It's a shame that summer is almost over, really. Until next time :)

Monthly Reflections

 

As the months begin to change from summer into autumn, I start to think that almost another year is gone and I still don't feel like anything much has been achieved. Looking back, this year on paper doesn't look like I've achieved much at all in comparison to last year. This time last year, I got promoted at work and graduated (albeit not with a grade that I was happy with) from university. This year I've achieved... Well, I'm in the same job and literally so poor that it hurts to look at my bank account, but then money isn't the most important thing in life.

I'm actually far more happy now than I thought I ever would be. I really disliked university with a passion, although I don't regret going, I wish I'd changed courses or universities, but what's done is done and I survived, which is actually an important point and one that I need to remember. I'm in a relationship with the most supportive person, who listens and never judges and I'm so grateful for that, because when you have mental health issues it's really important to be able to talk to someone about everything and let out any negative thoughts as well as any positive thoughts.

As I get older, I'm definitely more aware of the importance of having a good group of friends and also the importance of maintaining friendships. I always used to think that the more friends you had made you happier, but now I would rather settle for less friends that mean more to me. It's bizarre how much you learn as you grow. One of the most important things that I've learnt this year is that the journey to happiness is never easy; sometimes you have to feel like utter shit to realise what makes you happy. Keeping up relationships with friends and family is definitely key to having a more positive outlook towards life, and as the month draws nearer to a close I'm beginning to find happiness is more within my reach this month than it was last month. Small steps make a massive difference and I need to keep reminding myself that everyone in this world fights their own personal demons everyday; I am not alone.