Having started a new job literally last week, I've once again found that my anxiety has gone sky high again. Nothing can prepare you for the insane feelings of loneliness that you will inevitably feel. What I've struggled with the most is not only the dreaded feelings of loneliness, but also with feeling useless and therefore like I have no clue what I'm doing. However, what I've found the hardest is letting go; not knowing what I actually am supposed to be doing, or having any kind of control over anything. This probably sounds a bit pathetic, but after being in my last job for five years, I knew more or less everything that was expected of me and how to do it. Whereas now I feel as though I need more help, more direction; I'm not used to feeling like I need to be told what to do constantly, I'm used to simply knowing what to do.
The worst thing about changing jobs is the lack of confidence that I'm currently experiencing; I feel like I need everyone to like me, everyone to constantly give me advice or tell me that I'm doing ok. Pathetic as it is, I'm deeply insecure right now. I'm literally scrutinising myself so much right now, my weight, my height, my physical looks and my mental capacity. I hate admitting this, but I'm struggling right now, which is really stressful as just a few weeks ago I had been taking great steps to realise that I was doing better, I felt a huge amount of positivity headed my way. However, I guess with huge bouts of positivity, it makes sense that negativity follows that as not every day can be a good day, just as not every day can be a bad day.
I guess I'm learning that the good days and the bad days are all valuable lessons; realistically life isn't as simple as always being up or always being down, you have to work for your luck. Yes life is difficult right now, but in a few weeks time I'm sure I'll be much better again. At the moment I'm adjusting to having a new job, a new schedule and potentially a new life. I really miss my friends, my old job (something that I would never have dreamed would be true) as I was in a comfortable state. Although what's keeping me going and pushing through with my new job is that I can't stay the same forever, I need to change, I need to encourage myself to reshape, relearn and reassess myself. I want to push myself to better myself, as difficult as it feels. Living with anxiety is so incredibly hard, but whenever you manage to pull through, you feel so good for it. So yes, it's hard right now but in a month or so, I'll be proud of myself for surviving this rough patch. Because I am a survivor.
