Overcoming an Alcohol Problem

 

Hello again; the post for a today is a slightly more intense topic at the centre point. I wanted to re-address something that I had mentioned on this blog months ago; the fact that I once had a genuine struggle with alcohol. It wasn't the classic version of alcoholic either, I want to make it clear that I was in no way an alcoholic. In fact, I was rarely drinking other than socially. I wasn't constantly thinking about the next drop that would hit my lips or determinedly finding situations to get drunk in. It took me many months to realise this, but overall the year 2016 was an incredibly difficult one for me. It had some highs, but considerably more lows; lows that have even been dragged into the new year, the fresh start that has been 2017. It started at a birthday party back in 2015, where I didn't drink excessively; if I remember correctly I drank roughly 3 ciders but that was enough to push my mental state over the edge and sent me into an angry, crying mess. My now best friend sat with me for hours outside, sobered me up and talked me through my problems.

That was the beginning of many months where I would go out and drink socially and be in complete denial about how much of a mess my mental health had become. I was no stranger to mental problems, but for literally years I'd done a good job of keeping that side of me fully closed away. It was as though my mind and behaviour was comparable to a doubled sided coin. The head, being my head - look sharp, think smart and keep it together. Never acknowledging how much stress was coming from my job at the time and an awful, abusive relationship. The tails, being my heart - completely ripped in two and struggling profusely to keep my shit together. Every so often, the tails would slip through and ruin every aspect of my life. I want from being confident and bubbly to someone who struggled with daily panic attacks. My anxiety was becoming rapidly out of control. Towards the latter half of 2016 I finally realised that the reason I was constantly suicidal and unable to cope when I had been drinking, even one glass; that, that was the side effect of the confidence that alcohol gives you. The thoughts and feelings that you are afraid to admit whilst sober are the things that rear their ugly heads the strongest when you've spend months constantly holding them in.

KNOWING MY LIMITS

The first step in my recovery journey was taking the biggest step of declaring myself teetotal. After a lot of conversation with my now boyfriend, I realised that if I wasn't able to drink even one glass or can without having negative thoughts then it was time to accept that I should cut drinking alcohol out of my life. It wasn't as hard as it sounds, as like I said I was not and never have been, an alcoholic. I was only drinking socially, but that wasn't ok. The social aspect was also part of the problem; my friends that I drank with were not true friends and used to make comments that would cause my mental health to spiral downward. In leaving those friends behind, I found I had no issues with being around others whilst they were drinking at a social event which helped me regain some confidence. By cutting out drinking for a period of time, I was able to relearn how to control those suicidal, negative thoughts once more.

ADDRESSING MY MENTAL HEALTH

Ultimately, the reason why I struggled with consuming alcohol was that it was bringing my adverse thoughts to the forefront of my mind. Mental health affects every individual differently and I have to say that my biggest mistake was pushing my problems to the back of mind; in short, by pretending that any problems didn't exist, it meant that whenever my mind wasn't completely in control of itself (e.g. whenever I was consuming alcohol) I wasn't able to prevent those thoughts coming out. By realising that alcohol was affecting my mental health negatively and ultimately preventing me from moving on with my life in a healthy way, I was able to focus on my mental health more through giving up alcohol. Without alcohol, I was forced to open up to my boyfriend and best friend. My two rocks throughout the past year. I learnt to put myself first and not rely on fake confidence, through focussing on improving my mental health.

LETTING GO OF NEGATIVITY

As I said before, 2016 was an incredibly difficult year for me and I'm still in the process of moving on and reforming my life. Communicating with my boyfriend and best friend meant that I no longer felt alone, I had two people who were always available to simply listen. When you are struggling, the best feeling is having someone to listen to you without interruption. Through having conversations and opening up my darkest fears and memories I've been able to move forward; in no way am I fixed, but I'm on the path to a much better place within my life. I'm no longer afraid to drink alcohol because of negative thoughts; yes they're still within the confines of my mind, but they're much less dominant than before and I no longer ever feel suicidal. I feel down sometimes, but I've definitely seen and felt an improvement with regards to my mental health since talking about my struggles. The most important part of my journey has been opening up and having a support network in place. You have to let go in order to move on; I will never forgive or forget, but I've reached a point where I know that I'm in full control. I'm at a positive point in my life and I never wish to go back down again.

FINDING MYSELF

After months of having the most agonising panic attacks, (to the point where I was having 50+ attacks a day) it was hardly surprising to those closest to me that I had no confidence. The worst part of depression is that it literally knocks the shit out of you, to the point that even getting out of bed is suddenly the biggest of tasks and to a regular person, getting out of bed is something effortless, completely uncomplicated. For me, the moment that I felt able to put make up on and feign confidence again was when I knew that I was prepared to face the world. I have stuggled with mental health problems since my early teens (on and off) and so I'd previously learnt feigning confidence brought me real confidence, after a while. But I'd be lying if my confidence wasn't increased by having my best friend and boyfriend consistently by my side, through thick and thin. Through alcohol pushing my negativity to the fore, I was able to see quite simply, how bad my state of mind had become.

   - - -

To conclude, I feel like this was a really important issue to discuss. Alcohol is something mentioned regularly on social media and in the media in general, actually. However, I feel like it's a taboo within society to open up regarding having an issue with alcohol; it's difficult even to be sober as it's such a normal thing to go to a pub for dinner, or indulge in a glass of your taste whilst seeing friends. I'm proud to say that if I hadn't of addressed and eventually overcome my alcohol problems, I doubt I would have ever confided in my best friend, or my boyfriend. Alcohol forced them to see me at my worst, and those two people definitely deserve to see the best parts of me. There is sadly a stigma placed upon those with mental health and/or alcohol issues and I feel like the majority of blogs focus on the positive side of life; I want to show that not all areas of life are perfect 100% of the time. My own life is far from perfect and this blog has not only become a hobby, but also a way of keeping busy, of keeping positive. I feel like my blog reflects that lack of perfection and I am absolutely fine with that.

 

Anxiety Struggles

 

Having started a new job literally last week, I've once again found that my anxiety has gone sky high again. Nothing can prepare you for the insane feelings of loneliness that you will inevitably feel. What I've struggled with the most is not only the dreaded feelings of loneliness, but also with feeling useless and therefore like I have no clue what I'm doing. However, what I've found the hardest is letting go; not knowing what I actually am supposed to be doing, or having any kind of control over anything. This probably sounds a bit pathetic, but after being in my last job for five years, I knew more or less everything that was expected of me and how to do it. Whereas now I feel as though I need more help, more direction; I'm not used to feeling like I need to be told what to do constantly, I'm used to simply knowing what to do.

The worst thing about changing jobs is the lack of confidence that I'm currently experiencing; I feel like I need everyone to like me, everyone to constantly give me advice or tell me that I'm doing ok. Pathetic as it is, I'm deeply insecure right now. I'm literally scrutinising myself so much right now, my weight, my height, my physical looks and my mental capacity. I hate admitting this, but I'm struggling right now, which is really stressful as just a few weeks ago I had been taking great steps to realise that I was doing better, I felt a huge amount of positivity headed my way. However, I guess with huge bouts of positivity, it makes sense that negativity follows that as not every day can be a good day, just as not every day can be a bad day.

I guess I'm learning that the good days and the bad days are all valuable lessons; realistically life isn't as simple as always being up or always being down, you have to work for your luck. Yes life is difficult right now, but in a few weeks time I'm sure I'll be much better again. At the moment I'm adjusting to having a new job, a new schedule and potentially a new life. I really miss my friends, my old job (something that I would never have dreamed would be true) as I was in a comfortable state. Although what's keeping me going and pushing through with my new job is that I can't stay the same forever, I need to change, I need to encourage myself to reshape, relearn and reassess myself. I want to push myself to better myself, as difficult as it feels. Living with anxiety is so incredibly hard, but whenever you manage to pull through, you feel so good for it. So yes, it's hard right now but in a month or so, I'll be proud of myself for surviving this rough patch. Because I am a survivor.

 

A mini Haul #3

As anyone in this world will tell you, sometimes we all need to have a little treat when you feel down. If I'm completely honest, I have felt a little down recently but that said, far less down than I felt earlier on during this year. Every so often, if I find that I have a spare bit of money I do like to indulge in myself a little. In the past year I've learnt to curb my spending habits and be far more careful about what I spend my money on and where I buy things from as every little saving of money helps to go a long way. 

 

 

I recently purchased Amor Amor In A Flash by Cacharel. The box was really pretty in a metallic pink with a red rose embossed with silver typeography that identifies the scent. I ordered the 30ml version as its fairly difficult to find now as it was released as a limited edition in 2013. I paid £22.60 for it, which is a bit frustrating as I've since found it in the Christmas sales for under £20, but what can I do. The bottle itself was so tiny, I was really surprised actually as I have a 100ml bottle from the same range and the difference in size is almost unbelievable. However I do really love the design and the smell is beautiful so I don't have any regrets. The scent is of sweet mandarin, apricot, red apple, jasmine petals, cinnamon, vanilla, sandalwood and sweet caramel. In words the scent doesn't sound amazing, but in person it smells absolutely lovely! As a little bonus the bottle is a pretty shade of pink with a silver metallic rose alongside silver accents which matches the packaging nicely. 

 

After watching what feels like millions of YouTube make up hauls, I'd definitely been on the hunt for some nice storage for my make up; I wouldn't say that I have the biggest collection in the world but I do own a decent enough amount to justify having some storage space. I eventual found some storage on eBay for under £20; I literally typed in 'acrylic storage boxes' and flicked through to choose the style that I wanted. One complaint would be that the storage is smaller than I expected, but there was measurements in the listing so it's my fault for not bothering to check. I didn't pay much, so presumably if you pay more the storage size is larger. That said, I ordered from a UK seller and it came very quickly, well packaged and was identical to the picture so I'm satisfied. Plus it holds my make up nicely outside of my usual standard make up bag which is great.

 

Another couple of items that I indulged in and didn't necessarily need were from Sass and Belle; I ordered what should be a copper drinking cup and a little trinket dish. The drinking cup I purchased with the intentions of using it to hold make up brushes in as its fairly large and looks visually pleasing with a nice copper sheen and indented pattern. Everyone seems to be loving copper at the moment and for £7.50 there's no complaints really. The trinkets dish is also really cutesy, small and round with a pink robin to one side and little bird feet across the dish, also in pink. For £2.50 it was an absolute steal as I've been looking around the internet for similar items and they were all over £10... A lot more than this one. All in all, I spent £13.50 including postage for the two items and I was really happy with them, this month was definitely a cheer up myself month and I don't regret it in the slightest.

 

Things I've learnt in 2016

 

1. I am a fighter. I've had a really shit year, and a great year in one. I met the most amazing man through a really rough time, to the point that I didn't understand why I was alive, or why I wanted to even be myself. I've never been so low, but somehow I met someone who stuck by me through thick and thin, highs and lows. Without him, I'm not so sure that I could fight this life, but I survived alone long enough to meet him. I don't know where my strength has come from, but I've learnt that the only way is up from here.

2. You make your own happiness. When I was severely down and depressed, with nothing to look forward to, I made myself feel even worse. Avoiding friends, losing touch with friends made me feel even more alone and isolated then I already was. Being unhappy in myself, unhappy in my job made me feel so trapped. Getting back in touch with friends, forcing myself to put make up on and leave the house, finding inner strength and pretending to happy enabled me to find happiness. They say that when you're down, you find your true fiends and they helped me to be happy.

3. You have to love yourself, to love someone else. I met someone so special this year and sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am; however, to truly love him I also have to understand that he loves me. Yes, I don't feel worthy but ultimately he does love me and I love him too; but I have to love and care for myself to be happy and healthy enough to keep this relationship together. It's about two people and both of us have to put in the effort, it can't all be one sided. I've learnt to accept my flaws and live with the fact that no one is perfect, he's definitely helped me to see the positives in myself.

4. Friendships don't always last. I finished university in 2015 and thought I had life long friends; in reality I've got one friend from university, two friends from sixth form and no friends from school. My closest friends are from work and even then, my closest friends are not the same as they were a year ago and that's fine, I guess. People change and we develop new friendships or improve on old friendships. My best friend is genuinely the closest I've felt to anyone in a really long time and I love her to pieces but I'll admit I've definitely lost other friends who turned out not to be as great as they seemed.

5. Strength comes from understanding. This is so, so important. I've relied on so many different people this year and that's actually ok. It can be hard to admit that we need support or help but sometimes a second or third opinion can really encourage you to see from a different perspective. This year I've learnt that it's good to listen to other people, that it's ok to rely on another person to be positive. Positivity and strength comes from within, but are definitely influenced by understanding and to gain understanding you have to learn. I found that to learn I needed advice and support, which I got in bundles from two of the most important people in my life. I'm so greateful that I learnt to share my troubles as I truly believe it saved my life.

6. Remind yourself of the good times. I struggle to remain positive a lot of the time. Recently I invested in a photo frame that hangs above my bed in a fitting heart shape. Inside the heart I keep a variety of photos of my boyfriend and family members on days that I've really enjoyed. It keeps me feeling happy when I'm having a bad day or week, as well as looking nice visually. Every time I feel a bit rubbish I try and think about a time I enjoyed to keep myself on a little happy plane as being negative doesn't help me focus.

 

The Boyfriend Tag

 

1. How long have you have you been together?

We've been together for six months, although it feels like longer as we've known each other longer than that and were talking a lot before starting to date. 

2. Where was your first date with each other?

The first time we met each other outside of work was a walk along the riverside and sat talking on a bench next to the London eye. We started to get to know each other a lot, he smokes and I don't and we both dislike being in the company of massive groups of people. Probably the most awkward part of the 'date' was seeing another couple having sex outside... We literally looked in the other direction and walked past. It was so, so awkward at the time but something we still laugh at in disbelief. It's not something you would expect to happen on a 'first date', but it made it memorable I guess. Actually the date was a couple of weeks before we started a relationship, so it obviously went well.

3. Where did you meet each other?

We actually met at work, I'm his boss and was told to make sure he was working properly during a busy period... It's safe to say that he didn't like me much as I spent the whole time standing and just opening a door for him to pass through. I let him to do all of the work, haha.

4. What was your first impression of each other?

I asked him and he doesn't remember... I remember thinking that he's very quiet, he doesn't speak much. Although I later found out he is actually quite shy unless he knows you fairly well, which would explain it.

5. What was your first kiss like?

It was a bit of a spur of the moment thing, he was smoking (like always) and I just leaned over and kissed him... he kissed me back, so it can't have been that bad, although he admitted after that he was really surprised as we weren't together at that time. He didn't complain though, so it must've been a good surprise haha.

6. Who said 'I love you' first?

I did, when he was taking me home on the night bus from work. Not the most romantic and he laughed me for saying it, before saying it back. Since then, we say it all the time.

7. When did you meet each others family?

He met my family towards the end of August and they loved him pretty quickly even though he's quite shy, and he moved in with me in October so they definitely liked him. I met his family in November when we went to Poland which was a bit scary as they don't actually speak English so it was a bit based on sight alone, but I got lots of hugs and a Christmas card, so I think it went well too. Everyone is pretty supportive of us, which is lovely.

8. When did you know you were in love?

I knew pretty quickly, although the test was when he went to Poland for three weeks in August and I missed him so much, and he missed me lots too. We were talking every single day that he was there by text and video calling more or less everyday, it was during those three weeks that we both realised that it was getting serious and not just a dating thing.

9. Do you argue, if so, what do you argue about?

We always argue about little things, like who will clean the room or who is hogging the bed or duvet. We rarely have big arguments but when we do it always ends up in tears and it's usually about the future and how we'll manage to build it together, such as talking about money.

10. What is the most common thing you guys do when seeing each other?

Well we live together so we see each other everyday, to be honest we usually watch YouTube videos, eat and just talk together. I like seeing his happy face if I wake him up and show him I've made breakfast that day.

11. Who wears the pants in the relationship?

Friends, family and workmates would say that it's me, but they're definitely wrong. Piotr does, I do listen to his opinions the majority of the time, although I guess most of the time we're fairly equal actually as he listens to me as well.

12. What do you love the most about your partner?

His constant love and support. I can be moody and stressy as hell when I'm having a bad day mental health wise, yet he always does his best to give his support even when I'm not the most grateful. He's also very funny and makes comments that cheer up a lot, just one comment or a hug can improve my mood a lot.

13. Do you ever get bored with each other?

Not really, we work together but different days and times and living together came quite naturally. I enjoy his company and I think he enjoys mine.

14. What is his/her bad and good habits?

He sleeps so much it's unreal... he can sleep at least 12 hours a day, easily. But that said, it's not the length of the sleep, it's the fast he can't sleep before 3am that so frustrating as I usually sleep at around 11pm so, as we share a room it can be a nightmare to fit in sleep. However, on a positive note I love how clean he is, he's constrantly brushing his teeth or in the shower which is a good thing as well as never forgetting his keys.

15. What is your boyfriend good and not good at?

He's very protective and looks after me really well; when I'm not feeling good he has this amazing habit of running to the local shop and buys me crisps, chocolate, magazines and other things he thinks will make me feel a bit better. Another time, he took me to work at 3am because he was worried I wouldn't be safe on the bus alone which was adorable too. I'm lucky. He's not a massive talker which can be difficult as I talk a lot, but he tries... Plus English isn't his native language so I appreciate that he even bothers aha.

16. What was the first thing you noticed about one another?

I noticed his voice, he has a really nice voice. He noticed my hair, apparently. 

17. What are your nicknames for one another?

This is going to sound so strange, but we don't actually have any nicknames for each other. We're not that kind of couple that saves each other as Love or honey or hubby with hearts in phones, we have our names. I guess I you could say that I call him a form of nickname as I call him 'Peter' the English version and not the Polish 'Piotr', but that's about all.

18. Do you inspire each other?

He inspires me to get better and want to better myself. He makes me want to get up in the mornings, go to work and want to build a future. 

19. Is your partner romantic, sweet, funny, serious or a mixture of all?

Piotr is a bit of a mix of all of those, he can be very romantic and sweet, with gestures of flowers, chocolates and attention but he can also be very funny too. He makes little sarcastic comments that never fail to make me laugh and always sends me Facebook messages with stupid memes and jokes for me to laugh at. Alongside that, he can also be serious and takes any problems or issues that I want to discuss seriously and always listens to me, even if he doesn't like what he hears.

20. Do you wish to stay with each other for a long time and do you see a future with one another? 

Yes, we've discussed the future a lot and it's something we're both excited and ready for. We live together already, so it's definitely a lasting relationship that will hopefully keep growing with time. I can't wait to see what the future holds for us.

 

Let's be honest

 

So, with reference to the title of this post, 'let's be honest'; I have a problem with alcohol. Not with others drinking around me, I don't have a problem with it existing and I don't rely on it or feel that it's necessary to drink at parties or socially in general. But I, personally have a problem with it. I have a problem with the way that it makes me feel and the way that it makes me behave. Particularly when I was younger, I definitely felt the pressure to conform to the 'teenage binge drinker' stereotype and I feel that I did just that. I can't handle drink well, if I drank more than 2 of anything I would feel like absolute shit and either 1. not remember much and be excruciatingly irritating and/or hyper active or 2. Be a manic depressive mess, screaming and crying, unable to cope.

As I've got older the second option has become more and more apparent and to be honest it scares me a little; they always say drunken actions are sober thoughts, which then begs the question is my lack of coping when drunk the harsh reality of my current underlying state of mind? At a friends 21st I spent about 3 hours crying to another friend about all kinds of things, work, family, life in general. I don't even remember it, I was told about it after and that what's even more worrying. What should've been a lovely evening with friends became an absolute blur and I suspect ruined much of the night. I don't want to be this uncontrollable trainwreck, I want to be able to enjoy myself and be good company.

More recently, partly decided from a suggestion made by my boyfriend, I'm not going sober but I'm not actively drinking unless its social, and even then I'm drinking no more than one, purely as a precaution. I'm learnt that my mental health is more important than trying to be social, or seemly becoming this expected persona; my severe anxiety definitely increases tenfold when I drink and so my sober, level headed self knows that if I want to feel comfortable and able to manage a social situation then drinking alcohol is not the best idea. If I have anxiety at the best of times, then alcohol is not going to be a solution, I don't find it empowers me or makes me feel more confident, in fact it makes me feel the opposite.

An old school friend shared an article from the Guardian about a week ago and it's contents resonated with me very much; about how "Young Britons living in 'suspended adulthood'", from my own perspective I would say that the findings, such as under 30s, particularly females struggling with self confidence and mental health issues are very real in society. Myself as an example, I definitely fit the profile mentioned in the article. It ties in well with my reasons for being careful around alcohol; right now mental health, the pressures of young adult life are affecting many potential experiences that could be benefitted by social situations. However, I have learnt that I don't need to indulge in copious amounts of alcohol to improve experiences, in fact, alcohol has a negative effect. So, as a twenty something slowly pushing through life, I can say. I am finally learning to control my alcohol intake I'm happy about it.