Overcoming an Alcohol Problem

 

Hello again; the post for a today is a slightly more intense topic at the centre point. I wanted to re-address something that I had mentioned on this blog months ago; the fact that I once had a genuine struggle with alcohol. It wasn't the classic version of alcoholic either, I want to make it clear that I was in no way an alcoholic. In fact, I was rarely drinking other than socially. I wasn't constantly thinking about the next drop that would hit my lips or determinedly finding situations to get drunk in. It took me many months to realise this, but overall the year 2016 was an incredibly difficult one for me. It had some highs, but considerably more lows; lows that have even been dragged into the new year, the fresh start that has been 2017. It started at a birthday party back in 2015, where I didn't drink excessively; if I remember correctly I drank roughly 3 ciders but that was enough to push my mental state over the edge and sent me into an angry, crying mess. My now best friend sat with me for hours outside, sobered me up and talked me through my problems.

That was the beginning of many months where I would go out and drink socially and be in complete denial about how much of a mess my mental health had become. I was no stranger to mental problems, but for literally years I'd done a good job of keeping that side of me fully closed away. It was as though my mind and behaviour was comparable to a doubled sided coin. The head, being my head - look sharp, think smart and keep it together. Never acknowledging how much stress was coming from my job at the time and an awful, abusive relationship. The tails, being my heart - completely ripped in two and struggling profusely to keep my shit together. Every so often, the tails would slip through and ruin every aspect of my life. I want from being confident and bubbly to someone who struggled with daily panic attacks. My anxiety was becoming rapidly out of control. Towards the latter half of 2016 I finally realised that the reason I was constantly suicidal and unable to cope when I had been drinking, even one glass; that, that was the side effect of the confidence that alcohol gives you. The thoughts and feelings that you are afraid to admit whilst sober are the things that rear their ugly heads the strongest when you've spend months constantly holding them in.

KNOWING MY LIMITS

The first step in my recovery journey was taking the biggest step of declaring myself teetotal. After a lot of conversation with my now boyfriend, I realised that if I wasn't able to drink even one glass or can without having negative thoughts then it was time to accept that I should cut drinking alcohol out of my life. It wasn't as hard as it sounds, as like I said I was not and never have been, an alcoholic. I was only drinking socially, but that wasn't ok. The social aspect was also part of the problem; my friends that I drank with were not true friends and used to make comments that would cause my mental health to spiral downward. In leaving those friends behind, I found I had no issues with being around others whilst they were drinking at a social event which helped me regain some confidence. By cutting out drinking for a period of time, I was able to relearn how to control those suicidal, negative thoughts once more.

ADDRESSING MY MENTAL HEALTH

Ultimately, the reason why I struggled with consuming alcohol was that it was bringing my adverse thoughts to the forefront of my mind. Mental health affects every individual differently and I have to say that my biggest mistake was pushing my problems to the back of mind; in short, by pretending that any problems didn't exist, it meant that whenever my mind wasn't completely in control of itself (e.g. whenever I was consuming alcohol) I wasn't able to prevent those thoughts coming out. By realising that alcohol was affecting my mental health negatively and ultimately preventing me from moving on with my life in a healthy way, I was able to focus on my mental health more through giving up alcohol. Without alcohol, I was forced to open up to my boyfriend and best friend. My two rocks throughout the past year. I learnt to put myself first and not rely on fake confidence, through focussing on improving my mental health.

LETTING GO OF NEGATIVITY

As I said before, 2016 was an incredibly difficult year for me and I'm still in the process of moving on and reforming my life. Communicating with my boyfriend and best friend meant that I no longer felt alone, I had two people who were always available to simply listen. When you are struggling, the best feeling is having someone to listen to you without interruption. Through having conversations and opening up my darkest fears and memories I've been able to move forward; in no way am I fixed, but I'm on the path to a much better place within my life. I'm no longer afraid to drink alcohol because of negative thoughts; yes they're still within the confines of my mind, but they're much less dominant than before and I no longer ever feel suicidal. I feel down sometimes, but I've definitely seen and felt an improvement with regards to my mental health since talking about my struggles. The most important part of my journey has been opening up and having a support network in place. You have to let go in order to move on; I will never forgive or forget, but I've reached a point where I know that I'm in full control. I'm at a positive point in my life and I never wish to go back down again.

FINDING MYSELF

After months of having the most agonising panic attacks, (to the point where I was having 50+ attacks a day) it was hardly surprising to those closest to me that I had no confidence. The worst part of depression is that it literally knocks the shit out of you, to the point that even getting out of bed is suddenly the biggest of tasks and to a regular person, getting out of bed is something effortless, completely uncomplicated. For me, the moment that I felt able to put make up on and feign confidence again was when I knew that I was prepared to face the world. I have stuggled with mental health problems since my early teens (on and off) and so I'd previously learnt feigning confidence brought me real confidence, after a while. But I'd be lying if my confidence wasn't increased by having my best friend and boyfriend consistently by my side, through thick and thin. Through alcohol pushing my negativity to the fore, I was able to see quite simply, how bad my state of mind had become.

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To conclude, I feel like this was a really important issue to discuss. Alcohol is something mentioned regularly on social media and in the media in general, actually. However, I feel like it's a taboo within society to open up regarding having an issue with alcohol; it's difficult even to be sober as it's such a normal thing to go to a pub for dinner, or indulge in a glass of your taste whilst seeing friends. I'm proud to say that if I hadn't of addressed and eventually overcome my alcohol problems, I doubt I would have ever confided in my best friend, or my boyfriend. Alcohol forced them to see me at my worst, and those two people definitely deserve to see the best parts of me. There is sadly a stigma placed upon those with mental health and/or alcohol issues and I feel like the majority of blogs focus on the positive side of life; I want to show that not all areas of life are perfect 100% of the time. My own life is far from perfect and this blog has not only become a hobby, but also a way of keeping busy, of keeping positive. I feel like my blog reflects that lack of perfection and I am absolutely fine with that.

 

A month in Instagram #8

During February I feel like I haven't actually been posting much to instagram. Well, actually that's a bit of an exaggeration as I have been posting but this month I feel as though I have been liking lots of posts and gaining heaps of inspiration towards where I would like to see my own photography reach. I'm always looking to improve and work on my creative side, photography has been a great way to distract myself and keep more positive. Throughout February I've seen my best friend a lot, which obviously meant it was high time for a treat day (that's said, it turned into more of a treat month... oops). Alongside that, I also spent some time with my boyfriend and just generally tried to keep happiness a high priority as I do struggle a little when the weather changes. 

 

  

Hopefully the month of March will provide more good memories and I'll spend more time actually connecting with people on instagram; I always seem to like photographs I see but I never really get involved in writing comments so I'm thinking I should try to. I like keeping instagram as a kind of visual diary, as well as a way of promoting what I do on my blog. It's also a fantastic platform to see what other bloggers are doing and see what kind of things people want to see from blogging. Right now I'm loving getting more involved with reviewing books and finding new hobbies. Until next month :)

 

Happy Things #8

 

1. After having a good weekend off, seeing my best friend, spending time with my boyfriend I'm in a good place to start the week and am actually looking forward to it's unknown challenges.

2. My boyfriend is changing his shifts, so I'm looking forward to seeing him more, spending more time with him and just enjoying his company. Time flies when you're having fun.

3. I'm planning to try out some kind of Pilates during this week to try and Up my fitness game and hopefully lose some weight and clear my mind. I guess I'll find out if I like it or not after some time. 

4. I've been enjoying getting back into reading and so I want to finish the book I've been reading at the moment, especially as I'm not enjoying it much. Maybe the ending will be better? I guess I'll find out soon enough.

5. I've decided to try and make an effort to learn my boyfriends mother tongue; I've never been fantastic at learning languages. I might've taken French to GCSE level but I'm actually better at Spanish, so I can only hope for the best. Fingers crossed if I stick at it, it will be ok...

 

Happy Things #6

 

1. I've got back in touch with my closest friend I had in sixth form and I'm so glad that I've been making an effort to reform relationships and friendships that I had when I was younger. I'm not the same person and nor is she but that's fine, it's really nice to catch up and basically see where each of us in our lives.

2. My boyfriend made me the most amazing breakfast simply because I was having one of those days where you just feel like absolute shit, mentally and physically and I didn't appreciate it enough at the time, so here I am appreciating it now.

3. Feeling as though the new job is slowly beginning to make more sense and that I'm on the right track at last; it's hard to settle and get on board with new targets, new work mates and ultimately new responsibilities but it's finally feeling like everything is possible in time.

4. It feels like blogging is going well right now, I'm actually enjoying putting effort into posts and planning what kinds of posts I want to create, as well as being more consistent with posting regularly and making more decisions about whether a post is quality or not. At the moment I'm really proud of how my blog is coming along and can definitely see the improvements in my writing and photography since starting out.

5. I'm definitely eating more healthily and have far more energy than I've had for a while, due to sleeping much better. I'm now thinking about next steps and feeling more body positive than I've felt for years.

 

New month, new start

 

This year I'm feeling really focussed, which I'm achieving through seeing each month as an opportunity to achieve something and not simply looking at the overall year. I've come to the conclusion that this is the most effective way to achieve anything throughout the year, you have to remain focussed on a variety of things. During February there are several things that I'd like to concentrate on; February is a short month, so I've kept my plans fairly short and fairly realistic.

1. I'm planning to focus on my new job and really give it my full 100% as I want to improve as much as possible. It's a fantastic opportunity and one that I really, really don't want to waste. I'm definitely one of those people who learns something quickly but I struggle to be good at it and therefore I feel as though I have to constantly practice. 

2. I want to start planning out a new hobby, which is going to be scrapbooking. I have so many ideas and also so many photographs and memories to place inside it. Now that I'm working less I want to force myself to enjoy something and basically get out of bed and be more productive. As I already have 90% of the materials that I'll need I have no excuse not to start!

3. My boyfriend is a huge priority in my life and I feel like I don't appreciate the time we spend together enough; I work in the days now and he works in the night so I want to appreciate the time we spend together much more and hopefully get out of the house and enjoy the world more. Even if that means going to a park or a coffee shop, it'll be nice just to do something a bit special a couple of times a month.

4. I need to force myself to text some friends from university, from school... Even from my old workplace! I want to rekindle old relationships and really make an effort to keep my friendships as they were obviously formed for a reason so it's a shame not to keep them up. I really miss some people and that's something that I can make an effort to change.

 

Things I've learnt in 2016

 

1. I am a fighter. I've had a really shit year, and a great year in one. I met the most amazing man through a really rough time, to the point that I didn't understand why I was alive, or why I wanted to even be myself. I've never been so low, but somehow I met someone who stuck by me through thick and thin, highs and lows. Without him, I'm not so sure that I could fight this life, but I survived alone long enough to meet him. I don't know where my strength has come from, but I've learnt that the only way is up from here.

2. You make your own happiness. When I was severely down and depressed, with nothing to look forward to, I made myself feel even worse. Avoiding friends, losing touch with friends made me feel even more alone and isolated then I already was. Being unhappy in myself, unhappy in my job made me feel so trapped. Getting back in touch with friends, forcing myself to put make up on and leave the house, finding inner strength and pretending to happy enabled me to find happiness. They say that when you're down, you find your true fiends and they helped me to be happy.

3. You have to love yourself, to love someone else. I met someone so special this year and sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am; however, to truly love him I also have to understand that he loves me. Yes, I don't feel worthy but ultimately he does love me and I love him too; but I have to love and care for myself to be happy and healthy enough to keep this relationship together. It's about two people and both of us have to put in the effort, it can't all be one sided. I've learnt to accept my flaws and live with the fact that no one is perfect, he's definitely helped me to see the positives in myself.

4. Friendships don't always last. I finished university in 2015 and thought I had life long friends; in reality I've got one friend from university, two friends from sixth form and no friends from school. My closest friends are from work and even then, my closest friends are not the same as they were a year ago and that's fine, I guess. People change and we develop new friendships or improve on old friendships. My best friend is genuinely the closest I've felt to anyone in a really long time and I love her to pieces but I'll admit I've definitely lost other friends who turned out not to be as great as they seemed.

5. Strength comes from understanding. This is so, so important. I've relied on so many different people this year and that's actually ok. It can be hard to admit that we need support or help but sometimes a second or third opinion can really encourage you to see from a different perspective. This year I've learnt that it's good to listen to other people, that it's ok to rely on another person to be positive. Positivity and strength comes from within, but are definitely influenced by understanding and to gain understanding you have to learn. I found that to learn I needed advice and support, which I got in bundles from two of the most important people in my life. I'm so greateful that I learnt to share my troubles as I truly believe it saved my life.

6. Remind yourself of the good times. I struggle to remain positive a lot of the time. Recently I invested in a photo frame that hangs above my bed in a fitting heart shape. Inside the heart I keep a variety of photos of my boyfriend and family members on days that I've really enjoyed. It keeps me feeling happy when I'm having a bad day or week, as well as looking nice visually. Every time I feel a bit rubbish I try and think about a time I enjoyed to keep myself on a little happy plane as being negative doesn't help me focus.

 

November Goals

 

November isn't one of my favourite months, to be honest. It's when it gets really cold and seems to be boring in comparison to December and after Hallowe'en it all feels a bit dull and lacklustre. The biggest struggle for me is the change in the weather and also the transition to daylight saving time; I can't say that I suffer with seasonal affective disorder, but it's not a dissimilar feeling. So, this November I want to tackle head on and start the month off on a positive note.

I plan to focus on several things. I want to start thinking more positively, doing my absolute best to remember to breathe in and breathe out. Panic attacks have increased quite a bit recently and I'm determined to limit opportunities for them to appear. I'm planning to focus on happy thoughts and intend to plan some lovely days out with friends. I'm well overdue a lunch date with my best friend, who is currently travelling across Europe, to the Czech Republic, Hungary and Austria. I'm missing her company lots but enjoying seeing her enjoy herself and refresh her mind. She's inspired me to try and relax more.

I'm also planning to try and commit to eating healthier, as I have a tendency to just eat rubbish all the time which likely makes me feel rubbish all of the time. Side note; (I feel a bit rubbish a lot of the time, so it'll be good to tell if there is a correlation between my diet and my mental health). I want to learn to let go of all of the negativity inside my head and understand that life is what we make it. I am the architect of my own destiny, I make the decisions and only I can make myself feel better, stop letting life get me down.

If I think more postitively about life, then maybe life will be more positive and therefore I will see an improvement in my mental health. I need to stop comparing myself to others. No one has the perfect life, but it's ok to aim for perfection. My life at the moment is very ordinary and I'm on a mission to make it extraordinary. I'm grateful for many things, such as having truly fantastic friends and I need to focus on that and the little things that make these friendships so special to me. I'm excited for my boyfriend to move in, to move forward as a couple and continue enjoying his company and support. He's the single most important person in my life, and the person who is always there whenever I need him. 

So, hello November. Let's see what you bring.

A Severe Case of Wanderlust

 

During the last couple of months, I've been almost chasing sunsets and sometimes the sunrise... as a result, I've realised the importance of experiencing and seeing things for myself, to the point that I really, really want to travel. Not necessarily in Europe or abroad, but also in the UK as well. For example, where I grew up is a massive tourist hotspot. They spend a great deal of money to experience things that I've taken for granted all my life and now I'm doing my best to try and experience all that I've not done or seen in my local areas before branching out further, to other areas of London.

It's so so inspiring when you see Instagrams or friends travels on Facebook, for example my best friend has been to the USA, Germany and the Czech Republic this year alone. Alongside that, I've seen others travelling to the Netherlands, Croatia, Hungary, Spain and Italy amongst so many other places. It's made me reconsider what I want to do with my life and what I want to save for. The problem with travelling is ultimately the expense of it. Without even ticket prices to travel to places, it's also hotel bills, food and general spending money. This year I went to Paris and it was shit because of the company being shit and an overall lack of money. It made me realise the importance of being able to afford to travel.

Even if you keep the prices as low as you possibly can, it's still a lot of money to find or save up for. Ultimately I'm at a point where I need to decide what I want to do. Especially as I now share my life, my money and my time with someone else. This is the key I guess; I'm independent but I do share my life with someone and that person will always and should always come first for me. That is the main reason that I want to continue exploring London. It's such a vast city, I feel as though I should celebrate growing up and living in such a fantastic city. I want to enjoy having someone to explore it with, and I'm grateful that I can travel through my home city and feel like I'm discovering something new without having to save for a long time and therefore, settle my desire for wanderlust on a tightly controlled budget.

The important things in life

 

I apologise in advance for what will likely be a strange topic to talk about so openly, but I feel like I want to talk about it, so here we are. I've spent most of the past seven years evaluating, reflecting and rethinking every little thing and ultimately, my conclusion was a consistent strive for happiness. During my teen years I assumed that pleasing others, for example actually attending school and passing exams, going to university would make me feel fulfilled and happy. I spent most of the past seven years more or less desperately unhappy, feeling isolated and alone.

I suppose that the bottom line was that I was looking for fulfillment in the wrong places; looking for friendships and craving a 'best friend', which to be honest I've never really felt like I've had. I was always exponentially jealous of anyone I saw having a best friend and craved that for myself. Alongside that, I never had a bursting at the seams kind of friendship group, and moving schools, living far away from others meant that I was a bit shit at keeping friendships. I hated sixth form and I hated university. I had a couple of shit relationships, one of which was so fucking demoralising to the point that I felt completely worthless.

Once I stopped looking for happiness and felt, I suppose you could say untroubled by the intense feelings of aloneness I somehow found happiness. I realised that I don't need millions of friends to make me happy. I have a handful of friends, and that handful make me happy whenever I'm surrounded by their company; be that a text, or a meal at a cheap as can be in a dodgy suburban pub. My best friend I found in someone I never looked for and on the surface have absolutely nothing in common with and yet we literally 'click', to the extent that I know I have found my forever friend. You'll always know the difference because of the people that look after you when you're down and celebrate with you when you're up are the ones that truly care and Amanda is the one friend I can call and know I'll always have support from, however terrible the situation I've landed myself into feels.

I've also found the one relationship where I'm slowly learning my worth. That it shouldn't be all give, you need to take as well. I'm actually an incredibly slow learner. I'm having to learn to listen and not just talk, to give love and receive. That having sex is actually about love and that you want that person, you want a connection with a person physically and mentally. Yes, I'm still having bad days or weeks (that's the side effect of having mental health problems, unfortunately) but it feels like slowly, but surely my life is getting better. They always say you find love when you're not looking and I would say that's true. Piotr has given me and love and stability that I never thought I would feel and his company makes me feel whole.

So the one thing that I've finally learnt is that you should never give up on life, never give up on the hope that one day everything will finally fall into place. Many things will go wrong on the way and if you hit the bottom then the only positive outlook is that 'the only way is up' and I've literally lived that to know that's true. I have absolutely no clue where my life is going but that's ok. I have two people who I can rely on every step of the way for support and that's all I need :)