The important things in life

 

I apologise in advance for what will likely be a strange topic to talk about so openly, but I feel like I want to talk about it, so here we are. I've spent most of the past seven years evaluating, reflecting and rethinking every little thing and ultimately, my conclusion was a consistent strive for happiness. During my teen years I assumed that pleasing others, for example actually attending school and passing exams, going to university would make me feel fulfilled and happy. I spent most of the past seven years more or less desperately unhappy, feeling isolated and alone.

I suppose that the bottom line was that I was looking for fulfillment in the wrong places; looking for friendships and craving a 'best friend', which to be honest I've never really felt like I've had. I was always exponentially jealous of anyone I saw having a best friend and craved that for myself. Alongside that, I never had a bursting at the seams kind of friendship group, and moving schools, living far away from others meant that I was a bit shit at keeping friendships. I hated sixth form and I hated university. I had a couple of shit relationships, one of which was so fucking demoralising to the point that I felt completely worthless.

Once I stopped looking for happiness and felt, I suppose you could say untroubled by the intense feelings of aloneness I somehow found happiness. I realised that I don't need millions of friends to make me happy. I have a handful of friends, and that handful make me happy whenever I'm surrounded by their company; be that a text, or a meal at a cheap as can be in a dodgy suburban pub. My best friend I found in someone I never looked for and on the surface have absolutely nothing in common with and yet we literally 'click', to the extent that I know I have found my forever friend. You'll always know the difference because of the people that look after you when you're down and celebrate with you when you're up are the ones that truly care and Amanda is the one friend I can call and know I'll always have support from, however terrible the situation I've landed myself into feels.

I've also found the one relationship where I'm slowly learning my worth. That it shouldn't be all give, you need to take as well. I'm actually an incredibly slow learner. I'm having to learn to listen and not just talk, to give love and receive. That having sex is actually about love and that you want that person, you want a connection with a person physically and mentally. Yes, I'm still having bad days or weeks (that's the side effect of having mental health problems, unfortunately) but it feels like slowly, but surely my life is getting better. They always say you find love when you're not looking and I would say that's true. Piotr has given me and love and stability that I never thought I would feel and his company makes me feel whole.

So the one thing that I've finally learnt is that you should never give up on life, never give up on the hope that one day everything will finally fall into place. Many things will go wrong on the way and if you hit the bottom then the only positive outlook is that 'the only way is up' and I've literally lived that to know that's true. I have absolutely no clue where my life is going but that's ok. I have two people who I can rely on every step of the way for support and that's all I need :)

The pressures of Education

 

I guess this post is following on from my last post, in a way, except more focussed on university than my overall education. From a young age it was drummed into my head that it was so important to attend university. When I was completing my GCSEs, it felt like all anyone ever talked about was how important exams were, how you had to do well, how they would affect your whole life... The list could literally go on forever. The pressure is immense and it seemed like no one wanted to discuss options outside of further study and so I chose to do A-Levels. During A-Level it was a similar mountain of pressure; however this time it was all towards pushing everyone towards the path to university. At my school it was almost a taboo to not attend university. On results day there were teachers everywhere begging those unlucky enough to have got shit grades to somehow manage to still attend university by pushing them through the clearing process.

I applied to university for a number of reasons; 

1. Fear of the Unknown (e.g the real world)

2. Studying was all I knew at that point

3. Pressure from friends, family, school

4. Future career prospects

I was so sucked into the school system I felt that it was something I wanted to continue studying and I thought that university was the way to go. As you grow older the dreaded question becomes 'what do you want to do when you're older?' Actually for me, this was a fairly simple solution. I wanted to teach art and so university seemed like the obvious choice to do so. In fact I was so sure that I would teach that I had already mapped out how I assume my life would be. Basically the plan was, do an art foundation year, complete an art degree and then complete a PGCE and then be a teacher. In reality, life is never easy and rarely goes in the direction that we expect.

I really struggled with mental health during my time at university and got little help other than 'just deal with it' from the majority of people, which really wasn't the most helpful form of input given to me. As a result of this, my grades did suffer and during my interviews for PGCE I panicked and probably came across as a massive trainwreck (which I probably was, looking back). However now, I'm actually relieved that my life didn't go plan; I learnt that the cliché 'everything happens for a reason' is a definite truth. I've realised that I don't have a passion to teach and I also doubt that I have the confidence or the mental strength to do so. However I do still want to engage with learning and I'd love to work in a museum or gallery.

I would say that the massive flaw within our schooling system in the UK at the moment is that many schools are desperate to hit their targets in terms of results and number of pupils being accepted into university that many students are missing out on information on other options. If I could go back and change my plans, I definitely would have looked into options outside of university, or at least taken some time out to fully decide what I wanted to study and learn more about myself before jumping in at the deep end. The immense pressure to succeed and consistently deliver is definitely something which many students at any learning level struggle with. Although I was always average, the pressure still existed; ultimately I've learnt as I've got older, average is me and that's ok. I just wish that the schooling system had encouraged me to accept that years ago.

Education; a blessing and a curse.

 

I would say that I received a reasonably good education, even if I went to one of the worst secondary schools in my local area. Let's be completely honest, most inner London schools at any level are not exactly seen as fantastic; many people would argue that unless you pay a significant amount of money you don't get a good education. From the age of 5-8 I went to a Church of England Primary School and hated the majority of my time there, mostly because I was bullied for most of the years spent there. Aged 8-11 I went to a school in the neighbouring borough and statistically it was the best school in the surrounding area. I was probably my happiest at school during this time, for no particular reason. I excelled and genuinely enjoyed learning at this point, possibly because I felt settled and had a good group of friends.

At 11 years old, I went back in the Church of England School system and although the school went from being statistically excellent to inadequate I did enjoy my time there. During this time I definitely found myself and my interest in art... In fact I never really did anything but art whilst I was there but it was actually comforting to be encouraged to do well at something I loved. The school itself was very regimented, even to the point the amount of stripes on your tie were counted as you entered the school gates and naturally I rebelled.

Unfortunately I'm one of those people who doesn't enjoy being told what to do, what to dress or how to behave and obviously at a strict school that doesn't go down well and I struggled to fit in with the expectations given to me through the 5 years I spent in secondary education. It was during my secondary years that I realised that I have more mental health problems than the average person but somehow I managed to pass all subjects, with my highest grade being A and lowest being a D. I had the potential to do better but lacked the necessary self control to do better. Basically, I focussed on subjects that I wanted to do well in and had planned to later study at A-level.

Moving on to sixth form, I would say these years were the worst two years of my life. I enjoyed my studies, actually. I studied English Literature, Art and Photography but ultimately I really struggled to fit in, having not attended the school before, everyone already had friends and no interest in including me in anything. Sounds strange but it ruined my confidence and definitely had a negative affect on my mental health and in all honesty I was just desperate for those two years to be over to move on and go to university. Since the age of around 14 I had been interested in perusing a career in teaching and so going to university was the obvious next step, and I somehow managed to pass my A-Levels with reasonably good grades and gain a place at university.

In all honesty I wasn't exactly overjoyed with the university I went to; it wasn't a university I applied to thinking 'I would love to go here', but out of 5 choices I was accepted into 2 and so I made the decision to choose whichever I preferred of the two. Looking back I actually regret not taking a gap year and re-applying to university, but at the time I was thinking, well next year the fees are increasing and I was determined to graduate with the least amount of debt that I could, to the point that I refused to consider to apply to universities outside of London, or even move out of my family home during university. As I chose to study Art, I had to first complete a foundation year and this was a year that I really enjoyed. I love being about to learn about all kinds of art and exploring what form of art suited me and what I wanted to persue. I passed my foundation with a B and I was actually so happy when I saw I got 100% in a photography module. During this year my mental health was at its most controlled and a that definitely shows through my results and how much I learned during that year.

After that I decided to study BA (Hons) Fine Art and I chose not to change universities because of financial reasons and having such a amazing time during the foundation year that I was genuinely excited for what laid ahead. During my first year at university, I really enjoyed the work and found that drawing and photography were my main interests. It was more difficult than most people would assume, as everyone that I knew outside of art college always had an assumption that art is easy, when actually I always had a literal mountain of work to complete, alongside essays. I passed the year with good grades and was looking forward to starting second year, having enjoyed the first.

Second year was where it all went a bit downhill; I struggled with my mental health again after the realisation that this course wasn't really what I had hoped. After discovering my love for drawing in first year, I then found out that drawing was not an option in second year and I chose to dabble in sculpture... However the kinds of sculptures that I created were not exactly typical sculptures and i had to argue my way a lot, which was a nightmare. I also began having panic attacks and struggled to speak out loud or voice my opinions. I debated dropping out many times, but I suppose what kept me going was not only the fear of 'failure', but also a hope that if I made it to the final year, that it was be better towards the end.

In all honesty, third year was strangely bittersweet. On the one hand, I realised that I absolutely detested the practical work. On the other hand, I realised that my dissertation was the most interesting part of the university experience for me and I'm still proud that I managed not to drop out and finish the whole four years, somehow. Throughout my education I was never top at anything, always slightly more remarkable than average but I never really achieved anything of importance. Now that I've finished education (unless my crazy self does eventually follow through with a masters) I can that my fear of failure still exists, albeit in a different context, but I'm not longer afraid of being average. In fact I've learnt that I have to accept it. It didn't matter how much or little was paid for my education, my grades wouldn't have been better or worse as it is dependant on me and not a financial situation.