How I Found Happiness

 

I learnt to be confident 

Over the past year or so, I realised that I've always envied those people who come across as super confident, content individuals. When I thought back to School, University and even my working life I also realised that I was at my happiest point in my working life. It sounds crazy but I absolutely loved my work; I developed skills and friendships, I got promoted and I was confident and happy within myself. I'm not saying that every day was perfect because no one in this world has a perfect life. However, this was when it occurred to be that I was happy because I was confident. The reason that I was confident was because I learnt to fake it! I wasn't always right, in fact I was often wrong but I was never worried about what others thought of me and that was the key. During the past few months I changed jobs and I kept that lesson with me; even if you're nervous pretend you're not. The only thing holding yourself back is you.

I ditched the diet

I'm the first to admit that I'm not 100% happy with my body shape. I had an eating disorder growing up so I'm very aware of my body image but at the same time I've learnt not to dwell on it. The reason that I'm not a size 4 is because my body isn't supposed to be and that's ok. At one point I was doing my best to eat clean and stifle cravings, but that actually made me feel really rubbish. So I decided that if life is to be lived, I'll eat a cake, I'll have ice cream and I'll definitely chew down a nice greasy burger if I want to! I'm not saying that I eat bad food everyday, but I don't deprive myself of the things that I want anymore. After all, the naughtiest food tastes the best and looks the best on instagram so that's always a bonus too! I like going for catch ups with my best friend and eating good food and drink, which would be impossible if I didn't relax.

Restructured my friendship group

When you've been severely depressed to the point where you reach rock bottom, it sounds so typically cliché but you really do learn who your true friends are. Those who couldn't be bothered to make an effort with me, I stopped begging for effort and attention from. I don't even miss them as I have a much better group of friends right now; I've also rekindled some friendships that I needed to work on from university and school; people who I had really missed having in my life. Now I concentrate on those who were there for me at my worst and they're the ones who deserve to know me now that I'm feeling better. I understand that it's hard when you're not well but at the same time, when you're down you need support from those closest to you.

I engaged in a hobby

I actually started this blog back in 2013 and never really pushed myself to post regularly. However, at the suggestion of my boyfriend I decided to indulge in a hobby to keep my mind busy. So, I decided to get back into blogging and completely overhauled my blog last summer. I changed the the username and the layout and began to actually make an effort to post regularly. As I studied Fine Art at university, blogging is a fantastic way of using my creativity again. Instead of dwelling on negative thoughts, I started spending my time planning and writing blog posts instead which not only filled up my time but actually gave me something to focus on and see improvements from. The more I started posting, the more readers I got and I saw the benefits of making an effort gave me. Plus, I've enjoyed getting more involved within the blogging community, there are so many amazingly supportive people in this world.

I found love 

My boyfriend has honestly been the most supportive person in my life during the past year. I was thinking that no one old ever love me, that I didn't deserve anyone or anything, but he's changed all of that. He literally encourages me every step of the way to be more positive and life my life without any regrets, through being more confident and seeing friends more often. He's introduced me to a different way of life and I'm ever grateful to him for that. I never thought I'd see different parts of this world and now I've seen things that I had never imagined.

Ultimately, I found myself. From within myself I found my happiness.

 

Exploring London #1

 

 

One of my favourite things to do at the moment is go for a walk. I find it really helps me to clear out my mind and actually relax. Alongside that, it also gives me time to take in what I see around me, as well as do something other than work, eat and sleep. Growing up in London meant that I took many things for granted that many people actually spend considerable amounts of money to travel and see. For example, there is so much history around. Museums, art galleries, landmarks, live music venues, cathedrals, churches, palaces, parks and even huge shopping streets and centres. As a result of my boyfriend not being British, it's actually a nice excuse to think of things to do and see.

The first thing we've done is go to Greenwich Park, arguably one of the best Parks and has the most beautiful views across the city. It's home to the Greenwich World Hertiage Site and includes the Royal Observatory, the National Maritime Museum, the Old Royal Naval College and the Queen's House. There is so much history in this park, particularly from British Royal history, first as a hunting park during the Tudor era and it was also home to the Tudor and Stuart palaces as well as Greenwich Hospital. Greenwich is also home to Greenwich Mean Time, and at night you can see a laser that goes across London that lets you know where time begins. Even some of the plants in the Park are associated with royalty, such as the Queen's Oak (Elizabeth I) and the Wilderness which alludes to its hunting days, complete with wild deers. The flower garden and the garden of the Astronomer Royal are also lovely parts to visit, dating back to the 17th century.

The nicest thing about the park is probably the views of London however. You can see literally so many landmarks if you walk up to Flamsteed House. Canary Wharf, the o2 (The Millenium Dome), the Gherkin, the Shard, the old gasworks, ferry ports and docks. Piotr and I went in the afternoon, as it's now autumn and getting much darker, much faster in the evenings it meant that we saw the view in twilight, definitely my favourite time of say to take in such a nice view. I'm definitely liking sunsets a lot recently, I like the colours and how the lights of buildings twinkle and glitter in the darkness. I'm liking the decision to travel around London and enjoy what tourists pay money for, it's nice to discover new things on a budget. 

Simple Pleasures

 

Now that September is over, it's nice to look back and enjoy the moments. Overall I've had a really good few months now, to the point that I'm looking forward to October (and beyond), to enjoying more simple pleasures. During this month I've realised that my favourite moments have been the least interesting. I want to spend more time doing touristy things in my home city; I want to visit more landmarks, galleries and museums and stop taking life for granted. I want to be more active in enjoying the life I live, not simply living it.

I haven't been to the cinema in literally years, so that's another things I'd like to do this month, I have no idea what to see but I'm sure I'll find something when the time comes. I've also realised how much of a foodie I'm becoming, so I'm quite excited to try new foods and eateries throughout this month. I'm definitely seeing a more positive side of myself, which can only be a good thing. Autumn in London is truly lovely, especially Greenwich Park with its crisp leaves and fantastic views that spread across the city. I like having picnics in the park as well, literally sitting back and relaxing with good company and watching the world go by. I want to watch the bonfire night fireworks with my boyfriend, as there's less tourists at this time of year so it's busy overall and therefore more space to explore! Here's hoping for a great month. :)

 

The important things in life

 

I apologise in advance for what will likely be a strange topic to talk about so openly, but I feel like I want to talk about it, so here we are. I've spent most of the past seven years evaluating, reflecting and rethinking every little thing and ultimately, my conclusion was a consistent strive for happiness. During my teen years I assumed that pleasing others, for example actually attending school and passing exams, going to university would make me feel fulfilled and happy. I spent most of the past seven years more or less desperately unhappy, feeling isolated and alone.

I suppose that the bottom line was that I was looking for fulfillment in the wrong places; looking for friendships and craving a 'best friend', which to be honest I've never really felt like I've had. I was always exponentially jealous of anyone I saw having a best friend and craved that for myself. Alongside that, I never had a bursting at the seams kind of friendship group, and moving schools, living far away from others meant that I was a bit shit at keeping friendships. I hated sixth form and I hated university. I had a couple of shit relationships, one of which was so fucking demoralising to the point that I felt completely worthless.

Once I stopped looking for happiness and felt, I suppose you could say untroubled by the intense feelings of aloneness I somehow found happiness. I realised that I don't need millions of friends to make me happy. I have a handful of friends, and that handful make me happy whenever I'm surrounded by their company; be that a text, or a meal at a cheap as can be in a dodgy suburban pub. My best friend I found in someone I never looked for and on the surface have absolutely nothing in common with and yet we literally 'click', to the extent that I know I have found my forever friend. You'll always know the difference because of the people that look after you when you're down and celebrate with you when you're up are the ones that truly care and Amanda is the one friend I can call and know I'll always have support from, however terrible the situation I've landed myself into feels.

I've also found the one relationship where I'm slowly learning my worth. That it shouldn't be all give, you need to take as well. I'm actually an incredibly slow learner. I'm having to learn to listen and not just talk, to give love and receive. That having sex is actually about love and that you want that person, you want a connection with a person physically and mentally. Yes, I'm still having bad days or weeks (that's the side effect of having mental health problems, unfortunately) but it feels like slowly, but surely my life is getting better. They always say you find love when you're not looking and I would say that's true. Piotr has given me and love and stability that I never thought I would feel and his company makes me feel whole.

So the one thing that I've finally learnt is that you should never give up on life, never give up on the hope that one day everything will finally fall into place. Many things will go wrong on the way and if you hit the bottom then the only positive outlook is that 'the only way is up' and I've literally lived that to know that's true. I have absolutely no clue where my life is going but that's ok. I have two people who I can rely on every step of the way for support and that's all I need :)

Favourite Blogs! - September

Hello again :)

It feels like literally every month I find more blogs to enjoy and this month I've already found several that I've found really enjoyable to read, to the extent that I've been going back over their old posts as well as new. All of the images belong to the blog owners below and were found using a simple google search.

 

palomaindisguise.com

I love her style so much, and knowing that the majority of her Wardbrobe is purchased from affordable charity shops such as Oxfam makes it even better as it makes me feel like I can afford to look that nice too! Definitely a niche fashion blogger, I really love her style and the way she photographs her outfits is really lovely as well. Like me, she's also an Instagram addict and her posts representing that are enjoyable to read as they're a recap of what she's done recently which I like.

 

aclotheshorse.co.uk

One of my more recent favourites, Rebecca's blog has become a fast favourite of mine; I literally adore everything about it... The style, her personal style and the photography is just amazing. 'An American living in Northern Ireland' is her tagline and sums up her blog entirely. As Autumn (my favourite season) is coming, her blog is great as the colours of her photographs and her personal style is very autumnal and so a fantastic inspiration for cooler weather dressing.

 

thelittleplum.co.uk

Another newer favourite of mine, Chloe often tackles some fairly unusual topics for bloggers, such as contraception, things that make you happy and that its ok to have no idea what to do with yourself or your life. She's really down to earth and relatable, as I enjoy reading about topics such as feminism and weight as they're things that many women struggle with. As a bonus, her blog looks so aesthetically pretty and her personal style posts are always interesting too.

 

daintydressdiaries.com

Catherine's blog leaves a lot to be desired; as a lover of all things pretty myself, I love her homeware hauls and room/house DIYs and renovations. I love her vintage country kitsch style and her love of cute tea dresses matches mine so her blog was obviously going to become a favourite! She's so crafty, and her little handmade teddy bears are the cutest. Alongside home and fashion, she does talk about lifestyle and working on happiness was an interesting read.

 

livingmystyle.co.uk

Laura's posts are very lifestyle orientated, with a clear interest in travel, beauty and personal style. As she lives in London (so do I) it's nice to see places that are familiar to me and see how her colourful outfits contrast against the grey buildings and streets. Her blog has an explorative feel, as though she is constantly on the lookout for new discoveries. Her most recent posts from Greece look so nice and really make you want to travel more.

Education; a blessing and a curse.

 

I would say that I received a reasonably good education, even if I went to one of the worst secondary schools in my local area. Let's be completely honest, most inner London schools at any level are not exactly seen as fantastic; many people would argue that unless you pay a significant amount of money you don't get a good education. From the age of 5-8 I went to a Church of England Primary School and hated the majority of my time there, mostly because I was bullied for most of the years spent there. Aged 8-11 I went to a school in the neighbouring borough and statistically it was the best school in the surrounding area. I was probably my happiest at school during this time, for no particular reason. I excelled and genuinely enjoyed learning at this point, possibly because I felt settled and had a good group of friends.

At 11 years old, I went back in the Church of England School system and although the school went from being statistically excellent to inadequate I did enjoy my time there. During this time I definitely found myself and my interest in art... In fact I never really did anything but art whilst I was there but it was actually comforting to be encouraged to do well at something I loved. The school itself was very regimented, even to the point the amount of stripes on your tie were counted as you entered the school gates and naturally I rebelled.

Unfortunately I'm one of those people who doesn't enjoy being told what to do, what to dress or how to behave and obviously at a strict school that doesn't go down well and I struggled to fit in with the expectations given to me through the 5 years I spent in secondary education. It was during my secondary years that I realised that I have more mental health problems than the average person but somehow I managed to pass all subjects, with my highest grade being A and lowest being a D. I had the potential to do better but lacked the necessary self control to do better. Basically, I focussed on subjects that I wanted to do well in and had planned to later study at A-level.

Moving on to sixth form, I would say these years were the worst two years of my life. I enjoyed my studies, actually. I studied English Literature, Art and Photography but ultimately I really struggled to fit in, having not attended the school before, everyone already had friends and no interest in including me in anything. Sounds strange but it ruined my confidence and definitely had a negative affect on my mental health and in all honesty I was just desperate for those two years to be over to move on and go to university. Since the age of around 14 I had been interested in perusing a career in teaching and so going to university was the obvious next step, and I somehow managed to pass my A-Levels with reasonably good grades and gain a place at university.

In all honesty I wasn't exactly overjoyed with the university I went to; it wasn't a university I applied to thinking 'I would love to go here', but out of 5 choices I was accepted into 2 and so I made the decision to choose whichever I preferred of the two. Looking back I actually regret not taking a gap year and re-applying to university, but at the time I was thinking, well next year the fees are increasing and I was determined to graduate with the least amount of debt that I could, to the point that I refused to consider to apply to universities outside of London, or even move out of my family home during university. As I chose to study Art, I had to first complete a foundation year and this was a year that I really enjoyed. I love being about to learn about all kinds of art and exploring what form of art suited me and what I wanted to persue. I passed my foundation with a B and I was actually so happy when I saw I got 100% in a photography module. During this year my mental health was at its most controlled and a that definitely shows through my results and how much I learned during that year.

After that I decided to study BA (Hons) Fine Art and I chose not to change universities because of financial reasons and having such a amazing time during the foundation year that I was genuinely excited for what laid ahead. During my first year at university, I really enjoyed the work and found that drawing and photography were my main interests. It was more difficult than most people would assume, as everyone that I knew outside of art college always had an assumption that art is easy, when actually I always had a literal mountain of work to complete, alongside essays. I passed the year with good grades and was looking forward to starting second year, having enjoyed the first.

Second year was where it all went a bit downhill; I struggled with my mental health again after the realisation that this course wasn't really what I had hoped. After discovering my love for drawing in first year, I then found out that drawing was not an option in second year and I chose to dabble in sculpture... However the kinds of sculptures that I created were not exactly typical sculptures and i had to argue my way a lot, which was a nightmare. I also began having panic attacks and struggled to speak out loud or voice my opinions. I debated dropping out many times, but I suppose what kept me going was not only the fear of 'failure', but also a hope that if I made it to the final year, that it was be better towards the end.

In all honesty, third year was strangely bittersweet. On the one hand, I realised that I absolutely detested the practical work. On the other hand, I realised that my dissertation was the most interesting part of the university experience for me and I'm still proud that I managed not to drop out and finish the whole four years, somehow. Throughout my education I was never top at anything, always slightly more remarkable than average but I never really achieved anything of importance. Now that I've finished education (unless my crazy self does eventually follow through with a masters) I can that my fear of failure still exists, albeit in a different context, but I'm not longer afraid of being average. In fact I've learnt that I have to accept it. It didn't matter how much or little was paid for my education, my grades wouldn't have been better or worse as it is dependant on me and not a financial situation.

Monthly Reflections

 

As the months begin to change from summer into autumn, I start to think that almost another year is gone and I still don't feel like anything much has been achieved. Looking back, this year on paper doesn't look like I've achieved much at all in comparison to last year. This time last year, I got promoted at work and graduated (albeit not with a grade that I was happy with) from university. This year I've achieved... Well, I'm in the same job and literally so poor that it hurts to look at my bank account, but then money isn't the most important thing in life.

I'm actually far more happy now than I thought I ever would be. I really disliked university with a passion, although I don't regret going, I wish I'd changed courses or universities, but what's done is done and I survived, which is actually an important point and one that I need to remember. I'm in a relationship with the most supportive person, who listens and never judges and I'm so grateful for that, because when you have mental health issues it's really important to be able to talk to someone about everything and let out any negative thoughts as well as any positive thoughts.

As I get older, I'm definitely more aware of the importance of having a good group of friends and also the importance of maintaining friendships. I always used to think that the more friends you had made you happier, but now I would rather settle for less friends that mean more to me. It's bizarre how much you learn as you grow. One of the most important things that I've learnt this year is that the journey to happiness is never easy; sometimes you have to feel like utter shit to realise what makes you happy. Keeping up relationships with friends and family is definitely key to having a more positive outlook towards life, and as the month draws nearer to a close I'm beginning to find happiness is more within my reach this month than it was last month. Small steps make a massive difference and I need to keep reminding myself that everyone in this world fights their own personal demons everyday; I am not alone.

Favourite Instagrammers - August

Hello again! As I said last month, I'm definitely addicted to Instagram; I love the simplicity of it, how you can express yourself visually and just explore it. It's a really easy way to connect with people that you don't know and also find topics that you're interested in. I'm always scrolling through Instagram without even thinking about it, but there are always some people who I look at more than others and these ladies have lovely feeds. Please note that all of these images belong to them and were found using a simple Google search. 

 

lottiepearce

I actually found Lottie's Instagram after she liked one of my photos; I literally looked at her feed out of curiosity and followed her. As she's a similar skin tone to me I love her make-up posts as I know that the majority of the products will suit my skin tone. She also posts a lot of outfits and her photos are simply stunning, they're so detailed and rich in colour and focus.

 

megsays

After seeing a YouTube video by Meg, I noticed she had an Instagram account as well and followed her almost immediately. Her photos are always beautifully taken and look amazing, but also she often posts photos of her enjoying herself with friends alongside her more standard blogger beauty photos.

 

superlativelylj

Laura is an incredibly inspiring woman and has a definite power about her posts, often encouraging other women to love themselves regardless of their size, age or intelligence level. I also really want to read the book she's written as she seems to have a level headed approach to every aspect of life.

 

fireflyfiphie

Sophie's Instagram is definitely more related to my love of the arts, as she's an illustrator and poet. Her feed is full of her journals and how she fills them with thoughts, words and visual feelings. I like how she mixed words and poetry with visual imagery across the page, as well as how her style is so clear; always in pen and mostly black lines. 

 

rosietheginger

After seeing one of her photos on the 'explore' page of Instagram, I scrolled through her feed and instantly liked it. Often posting beautifully arranged photos of food, her cat and herself, she also makes the most ordinary things seem extraordinary, such as having a milkshake. It's her enthusiasm for life that makes her enjoyable to follow.

August Playlist!

 

1. I Don't Care - Fall Out Boy

2. Payphone - Maroon 5 (feat. Wiz Khalifa)

3. Locked Away - R. City (feat. Adam Levine)

4. Build God, Then We'll Talk - Panic! At The Disco

5. So What! - P!nk

6. Helena - My Chemical Romance

7. Almost Easy - Avenged Sevenfold

8. Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It) - Beyoncé 

9. L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N. - Noah And The Whale

10. Still Into You - Paramore

My music taste is as bizarre as it ever was, as you can no doubt see from the eclectic mix of 14 year old emo child nostalgia (thank you, MCR!) to sixth form queen bey loving indie kid... This month was all about reminiscing and listening to songs that hadn't listened to in a really long time, alongside revisiting bands that I thought wouldn't be to my taste anymore, but I've realised that I still love, such as Avenged Sevenfold. What music are you into this month? Let me know :)

Favourite blogs! - August

Hi everyone, after enjoying writing a similar post to this back in June, I decided I would do an updated version. All of these (soon to be listed below) blogs are blogs that I've recently discovered but have literally been binge reading many of their posts to catch up, haha. Please note that all of the images have been taken from a simple google image search of their usernames so I'm not saying that they're my own, they're all owned by the blog owners listed below.

 

katiesnooks.com

I actually started watching Katie on YouTube a while ago, but I haven't been reading her blog for very long. I like the way her blog is primarily beauty based, but also personal at the same time, for example she uploads product reviews alongside life updates, where she details where she is in her life and how she feels about everything in it. As she's a similar skin and hair tone to me, I like reading her products reviews as many of the products would work well on my complexion as well.

 

sianvictoria.com

 Another new find, her blog is both personal and professional; she posts a lot about travelling, where she's been and where next she'd like to discover. Her travel posts are very organised and detailed, there are often two or three posts for each place she visits, almost with their own categories. Aside from her regular travel posts, she also posts about food and music that she loves and some more serious topics such as mental health.

 

elesaurus.com

I've actually read Ellie's blog for some time, since before she revamped it and made it look all pretty! Definitely more of an all round blogger, as she frequently posts about a mixture of topics including fashion, beauty and lifestyle. I enjoy her beauty posts the most, as she's very detailed and always shows the make-up she's bought on her face rather than simply her hand, which I find helpful.

 

http://blog.wonderful--you.com

Megan has a very well established blog and YouTube channel, and I originally began reading her blog after watching several of her YouTube videos. She writes mostly to do with fashion and beauty, as well as her travels and journeys with a bit of lifestyle mixed in. My preferred posts are her lifestyle chats, where she comes across as really down to earth and you feel like you're getting to know her.

 

heldtogetherbypins 

I've been reading Paige's blog for absolutely ages, after following her on Instagram. From her posts you can definitely see her passion for fashion, and recently her blog has been completely revamped and looks so so good. She also posts craft and DIYs, for example how to make copper accessories for a bedroom and jewellery like Pom Pom earrings. I like her posts are varied but always great quality.

That's all the blog recommendations for this month, I'm thinking about making this a monthly feature... What do you think? See you soon, Rachel x 

A month in Instagram - July

As I've said before, I'm just a little bit addicted to Instagram... I studied Fine Art at university so I've always been more of a visual person anyway, but I like how you can just see something and not need to read a caption, or even include a caption in a post. July was actually a really good month for me, I saw my godson who doesn't live nearby (I cherish every minute that I spend with that little man), received a ridiculous amount of flowers from my boyfriend and went on several bus journeys at various times of the day.

I also realised that I hate using my iPhone for music so rediscovered an old iPod video, which has the best sound quality... Sometimes older is better, a little nostalgia never hurt anyone :) I spent my bus journeys listening to so many different genres and enjoying dabbling in old favourites like Muse, My Chemical Romance and Panic! at The Disco feeling 14 years old again. I like going for walks near where I live and took some photographs of the views in different lights and shared my favourites (there's secretly still an art student inside me, haha) and took a couple of selfies, one with makeup and one without. I'm learning to be ok with how I look and not wear so much makeup that it's a mask which has actually helped my skin a lot, it's a lot less blotchy than before.

I also shared some photos of friends, of my boyfriend and my Izabela, so is sadly leaving work but I'm sure we will keep in touch ❤️ it's strange how the people that you work with become so close to you, like family almost. So that was my July in a series of very random snapshots, but good memories all the same :)

Re-evaluating life

 

Every so often it's good to take time out to just sit and think about yourself, if that involves your life, your job or your health... Whatever you need to evaluate will be important to you and only you, but will also affect you in a big way. Ultimately, everyone's aim in life is to be truly happy; however it can be a struggle to define what actually makes us happy as people. Happiness is definitely something that only the indivudual can decide on, for example my idea of happiness may not be for you.

I'm trying out a new idea which is every month, to sit down and take the time to slow down and think more often. Even if thinking sometimes feels stressful, I've learnt that ignoring a problem isn't a solution and that sometimes you have to face your fears and take action. The hardest part of this process is not even the decision making for me, it's the taking action that is hard. Ultimately the most important thing to do is give yourself time only for yourself and simply unwind and do as little as humanely possible.

The only person who has the power to change your life you, and if something is making you unhappy then the solution is to change it. I know as much as anyone that is easier said than done, but as life disappears in a flash as it is, then why spend it unhappy? If you focus on the positives and plough through the negatives to create more positives then fingers crossed the journey to happiness will be complete.

Recently I've been evaluating and re-evaluating my life across many aspects; its almost theraputic, even if it's not the most pleasant of processes however necessary it is. I've realised that the quest for perfection is high, and that I definitely have a tendency to overthink many things but everyday is a learning curve and tackling problems rather than avoiding them is a step in the right direction. I'm learning to be grateful for what I have in life. :)