Happy Things #15

 

1. I'm looking forward to the weekend, I've got 5 days off and I'm seeing my best friend for a good old catch up, which is always exciting. I've had a bad start to the week as my cat was super unwell and unfortunately didn't get better, so it's nice to have something positive to think about doing.

2. I'm in love with this sunny, warm weather at the moment. I'm not a fan of sunbathing at all, but I do enjoy the days being longer and the blossoms growing around the trees. I love going for walks in this weather.

3. Fingers crossed my gym membership will be active by the end of the week so I'll finally be able to start trying to improve my health. I want to exercise my mind and body, I'm hoping this will really help my mental health and keep me positive.

4. I'm enjoying the book I'm reading the at moment, hopefully I'll finish it this week and write a book review on it. It feels like it's been a while since I've read and written a book review and I've actually missed reading and letting my mind travel to another place.

5. So ready for a day off, as I've worked six days in a row now, I want to just sit back and relax. I'm ready for some quality time with my family and boyfriend, I'm planning to watch Paper Towns and Fantastic Beasts sometime during this week.

 

Overcoming an Alcohol Problem

 

Hello again; the post for a today is a slightly more intense topic at the centre point. I wanted to re-address something that I had mentioned on this blog months ago; the fact that I once had a genuine struggle with alcohol. It wasn't the classic version of alcoholic either, I want to make it clear that I was in no way an alcoholic. In fact, I was rarely drinking other than socially. I wasn't constantly thinking about the next drop that would hit my lips or determinedly finding situations to get drunk in. It took me many months to realise this, but overall the year 2016 was an incredibly difficult one for me. It had some highs, but considerably more lows; lows that have even been dragged into the new year, the fresh start that has been 2017. It started at a birthday party back in 2015, where I didn't drink excessively; if I remember correctly I drank roughly 3 ciders but that was enough to push my mental state over the edge and sent me into an angry, crying mess. My now best friend sat with me for hours outside, sobered me up and talked me through my problems.

That was the beginning of many months where I would go out and drink socially and be in complete denial about how much of a mess my mental health had become. I was no stranger to mental problems, but for literally years I'd done a good job of keeping that side of me fully closed away. It was as though my mind and behaviour was comparable to a doubled sided coin. The head, being my head - look sharp, think smart and keep it together. Never acknowledging how much stress was coming from my job at the time and an awful, abusive relationship. The tails, being my heart - completely ripped in two and struggling profusely to keep my shit together. Every so often, the tails would slip through and ruin every aspect of my life. I want from being confident and bubbly to someone who struggled with daily panic attacks. My anxiety was becoming rapidly out of control. Towards the latter half of 2016 I finally realised that the reason I was constantly suicidal and unable to cope when I had been drinking, even one glass; that, that was the side effect of the confidence that alcohol gives you. The thoughts and feelings that you are afraid to admit whilst sober are the things that rear their ugly heads the strongest when you've spend months constantly holding them in.

KNOWING MY LIMITS

The first step in my recovery journey was taking the biggest step of declaring myself teetotal. After a lot of conversation with my now boyfriend, I realised that if I wasn't able to drink even one glass or can without having negative thoughts then it was time to accept that I should cut drinking alcohol out of my life. It wasn't as hard as it sounds, as like I said I was not and never have been, an alcoholic. I was only drinking socially, but that wasn't ok. The social aspect was also part of the problem; my friends that I drank with were not true friends and used to make comments that would cause my mental health to spiral downward. In leaving those friends behind, I found I had no issues with being around others whilst they were drinking at a social event which helped me regain some confidence. By cutting out drinking for a period of time, I was able to relearn how to control those suicidal, negative thoughts once more.

ADDRESSING MY MENTAL HEALTH

Ultimately, the reason why I struggled with consuming alcohol was that it was bringing my adverse thoughts to the forefront of my mind. Mental health affects every individual differently and I have to say that my biggest mistake was pushing my problems to the back of mind; in short, by pretending that any problems didn't exist, it meant that whenever my mind wasn't completely in control of itself (e.g. whenever I was consuming alcohol) I wasn't able to prevent those thoughts coming out. By realising that alcohol was affecting my mental health negatively and ultimately preventing me from moving on with my life in a healthy way, I was able to focus on my mental health more through giving up alcohol. Without alcohol, I was forced to open up to my boyfriend and best friend. My two rocks throughout the past year. I learnt to put myself first and not rely on fake confidence, through focussing on improving my mental health.

LETTING GO OF NEGATIVITY

As I said before, 2016 was an incredibly difficult year for me and I'm still in the process of moving on and reforming my life. Communicating with my boyfriend and best friend meant that I no longer felt alone, I had two people who were always available to simply listen. When you are struggling, the best feeling is having someone to listen to you without interruption. Through having conversations and opening up my darkest fears and memories I've been able to move forward; in no way am I fixed, but I'm on the path to a much better place within my life. I'm no longer afraid to drink alcohol because of negative thoughts; yes they're still within the confines of my mind, but they're much less dominant than before and I no longer ever feel suicidal. I feel down sometimes, but I've definitely seen and felt an improvement with regards to my mental health since talking about my struggles. The most important part of my journey has been opening up and having a support network in place. You have to let go in order to move on; I will never forgive or forget, but I've reached a point where I know that I'm in full control. I'm at a positive point in my life and I never wish to go back down again.

FINDING MYSELF

After months of having the most agonising panic attacks, (to the point where I was having 50+ attacks a day) it was hardly surprising to those closest to me that I had no confidence. The worst part of depression is that it literally knocks the shit out of you, to the point that even getting out of bed is suddenly the biggest of tasks and to a regular person, getting out of bed is something effortless, completely uncomplicated. For me, the moment that I felt able to put make up on and feign confidence again was when I knew that I was prepared to face the world. I have stuggled with mental health problems since my early teens (on and off) and so I'd previously learnt feigning confidence brought me real confidence, after a while. But I'd be lying if my confidence wasn't increased by having my best friend and boyfriend consistently by my side, through thick and thin. Through alcohol pushing my negativity to the fore, I was able to see quite simply, how bad my state of mind had become.

   - - -

To conclude, I feel like this was a really important issue to discuss. Alcohol is something mentioned regularly on social media and in the media in general, actually. However, I feel like it's a taboo within society to open up regarding having an issue with alcohol; it's difficult even to be sober as it's such a normal thing to go to a pub for dinner, or indulge in a glass of your taste whilst seeing friends. I'm proud to say that if I hadn't of addressed and eventually overcome my alcohol problems, I doubt I would have ever confided in my best friend, or my boyfriend. Alcohol forced them to see me at my worst, and those two people definitely deserve to see the best parts of me. There is sadly a stigma placed upon those with mental health and/or alcohol issues and I feel like the majority of blogs focus on the positive side of life; I want to show that not all areas of life are perfect 100% of the time. My own life is far from perfect and this blog has not only become a hobby, but also a way of keeping busy, of keeping positive. I feel like my blog reflects that lack of perfection and I am absolutely fine with that.

 

February Favourites

Last month, when I was thinking more about the kind of content I would like to post here on my little corner of the internet, I decided that as I like to read through other bloggers favourite things during the month I would try writing one myself. I realised through taking the photographs below for this post, just how much your tastes change throughout the different months. Last month I was loving so many perfumes and lots of different make up pieces. This month, I feel like I've been concentrating more on caring for myself, giving myself a pamper and trying to focus on positive things rather than solely on material possessions. For example, a current favourite of mine that I haven't pictured is actually a new hobby; I've reignited a love for reading books, which has become a means to focus on keeping busy, not overthinking and simply enjoying having some time to myself.

 

I snapped up a Garnier Skinactive Micellar Cleansing Water for sensitive skin from Poundland of all places! I'd seen it for far more than that in some other shops, so naturally for the bargainous price of £1 I bought 3 of them! I love its small size as it's great for having stashed in a make up bag on the move and it clears the make up off my face so quickly and it doesn't feel rough afterward. After using the cleansing water I've been indulging in the Simple Kind To Skin Hydrating Light Moisturiser all over my face which for the price of £4 it is not only affordable but it also seems to last for literally ages. Moisturiser is a must for me as I have such dry and sensitive skin. I've spoken about the Zoella Beauty Ginger Cream in other blogposts and I feel like I can't rave about it enough; I've fallen in love, which was a massive surprise as I'm always sceptical about non-sensitive creams on my skin, but this one is nourishing and smells divine. Recently I've been careful to not wash my hair excessively so I've been relying on the Batiste Blush Dry Shampoo to keep my hair looking volumous and fresh between washes. A bonus is the gorgeous floral smell it gives my hair.

 

I was amazed to find these beautiful storage pots from Lidl for £3; I naturally bought two packs for two green and two pink holders. They're designed for candles but I've been using them for items like nail varnish and make up brushes. They've really cleared up the sides of my room as they fit a lot of things inside. They feel extremely hard wearing too which also great. I've been loving the Real Techniques Berlin Brushes this month, not only because they look lovely but they're super soft and clean up so nicely. The duo fibres work really well and feel nice against my skin, too. Priced at £20, I feel like for five brushes that was really reasonable. I've been pampering myself a lot this month and so I've been enjoying getting use out of the Body Shop Pink Grapefruit Body Butter on my wrists and elbows which not only smells incredible on the skin, it's incredibly hydrating, costing only £6. The Zoella Beauty Hungry Hands smells amazing and soaks into the skin really well whilst on the move; I often use it at work. However my absolute favourite is the Body Shop CHANGE Hemp Hand Protector which is simply fantastic. 

 

Throughout February I've been pleasantly surprised with the quality of the Zoella Beauty range; I've been loving the Shower Glaze to the point that I've been using it every time I have a shower, without fail. I love the smell of gingerbread and it feels fantastic and frothy against my skin. I feel like the smell of gingerbread really sticks and makes my skin smell amazing too. My favourite of the body mists is definitely Let's Spritz! From the tutti fruity collection; it's so light and summery, I can spray it a lot and it seems to last for ages considering it's only a mist. The smell feels delicate against my skin and the bottle is really pretty too. However, I've also been enjoying getting use out of the body mist Blissful Mistful; not only so I adore the name of it, I also love how it looks. All of the Zoella Beauty range is visually pleasing, but the body mists have become a firm favourite of mine. Priced at £8 each, they're affordable and long lasting, a must for anyone who wants nice beauty products whilst living on a budget.

This month I've been pleasantly surprised by the quality of products from Make Up Revolution. The strobe highlighter in Ever Glow Lights was such a fantastic investment at £3; it is literally an amazing everyday highlighter as it's insanely pigmented but is nice and light. I've not stopped using it throughout this month and feel like it gives my skin a lovely healthy glow. I'd been desperate to get my hands on the Fortune Favours The Brave eyeshadow palette ever since I'd been spotting it all over instagram; at £9.99 for 30 gorgeously cosmic shades, I have no regrets. It's a naive day to night transition palette and I feel like it's going to be a favourite of mine for months as it's got a great range of Matte and Shimmer shades. It's got such a massive mirror too so it's great to use for topping up make up whenever necessary. Another highlighter that I've been obsessed with is the Sleek Midas Touch palettes, which I feel is an absolute bargain at £10 as you get four beautiful shades for that price. I only recently realised that it's a limited edition, so I'm really worried about using it too much now as it's so pretty if you want a lovely nighttime look that's really glowy and fresh. The shades are literally perfection for anyone with pale skin and the size of the palette is great for travelling.

I've been in love with the NYX Soft Matte Lip Creams in the shades London and Saõ Paulo; the perfect nude and the perfect berry pink. What I like about them so much is the fact that the have amazing lasting power, as well as their wearability. I feel confident to wear the two colours both day and night, they're very transitionable. As I get older, I prefer to invest in make up that I'll get a lot of use from and these lip creams haven't been off my lips since I first discovered them. I would happily recommend these to anyone, I even apply them without a lip liner. An added bonus is that they look very expensive but they're totally affordable, priced at £6 each! Back in November 2016, my boyfriend bought me the Maybelline Eraser Eye Concealer from duty free and I loved it so much; the lightest shade was perfect for my skin tone. However I kind of forgot about it, until a few weeks ago. I just love it's consistency and the way that it covers any areas that don't look as great as I'd like them too. I'd say it's fairly high coverage, but for me personally if I wear make up I don't care if it looks like I am, as if I've made the effort to apply it, you may as well make it noticeable! I've found that during February I've loved a lot of different products which have made me feel a little more confident about myself in different ways. What products have you been loving recently?

 

A month in Instagram #8

During February I feel like I haven't actually been posting much to instagram. Well, actually that's a bit of an exaggeration as I have been posting but this month I feel as though I have been liking lots of posts and gaining heaps of inspiration towards where I would like to see my own photography reach. I'm always looking to improve and work on my creative side, photography has been a great way to distract myself and keep more positive. Throughout February I've seen my best friend a lot, which obviously meant it was high time for a treat day (that's said, it turned into more of a treat month... oops). Alongside that, I also spent some time with my boyfriend and just generally tried to keep happiness a high priority as I do struggle a little when the weather changes. 

 

  

Hopefully the month of March will provide more good memories and I'll spend more time actually connecting with people on instagram; I always seem to like photographs I see but I never really get involved in writing comments so I'm thinking I should try to. I like keeping instagram as a kind of visual diary, as well as a way of promoting what I do on my blog. It's also a fantastic platform to see what other bloggers are doing and see what kind of things people want to see from blogging. Right now I'm loving getting more involved with reviewing books and finding new hobbies. Until next month :)

 

Happy Things #8

 

1. After having a good weekend off, seeing my best friend, spending time with my boyfriend I'm in a good place to start the week and am actually looking forward to it's unknown challenges.

2. My boyfriend is changing his shifts, so I'm looking forward to seeing him more, spending more time with him and just enjoying his company. Time flies when you're having fun.

3. I'm planning to try out some kind of Pilates during this week to try and Up my fitness game and hopefully lose some weight and clear my mind. I guess I'll find out if I like it or not after some time. 

4. I've been enjoying getting back into reading and so I want to finish the book I've been reading at the moment, especially as I'm not enjoying it much. Maybe the ending will be better? I guess I'll find out soon enough.

5. I've decided to try and make an effort to learn my boyfriends mother tongue; I've never been fantastic at learning languages. I might've taken French to GCSE level but I'm actually better at Spanish, so I can only hope for the best. Fingers crossed if I stick at it, it will be ok...

 

Happy Things #6

 

1. I've got back in touch with my closest friend I had in sixth form and I'm so glad that I've been making an effort to reform relationships and friendships that I had when I was younger. I'm not the same person and nor is she but that's fine, it's really nice to catch up and basically see where each of us in our lives.

2. My boyfriend made me the most amazing breakfast simply because I was having one of those days where you just feel like absolute shit, mentally and physically and I didn't appreciate it enough at the time, so here I am appreciating it now.

3. Feeling as though the new job is slowly beginning to make more sense and that I'm on the right track at last; it's hard to settle and get on board with new targets, new work mates and ultimately new responsibilities but it's finally feeling like everything is possible in time.

4. It feels like blogging is going well right now, I'm actually enjoying putting effort into posts and planning what kinds of posts I want to create, as well as being more consistent with posting regularly and making more decisions about whether a post is quality or not. At the moment I'm really proud of how my blog is coming along and can definitely see the improvements in my writing and photography since starting out.

5. I'm definitely eating more healthily and have far more energy than I've had for a while, due to sleeping much better. I'm now thinking about next steps and feeling more body positive than I've felt for years.

 

New month, new start

 

This year I'm feeling really focussed, which I'm achieving through seeing each month as an opportunity to achieve something and not simply looking at the overall year. I've come to the conclusion that this is the most effective way to achieve anything throughout the year, you have to remain focussed on a variety of things. During February there are several things that I'd like to concentrate on; February is a short month, so I've kept my plans fairly short and fairly realistic.

1. I'm planning to focus on my new job and really give it my full 100% as I want to improve as much as possible. It's a fantastic opportunity and one that I really, really don't want to waste. I'm definitely one of those people who learns something quickly but I struggle to be good at it and therefore I feel as though I have to constantly practice. 

2. I want to start planning out a new hobby, which is going to be scrapbooking. I have so many ideas and also so many photographs and memories to place inside it. Now that I'm working less I want to force myself to enjoy something and basically get out of bed and be more productive. As I already have 90% of the materials that I'll need I have no excuse not to start!

3. My boyfriend is a huge priority in my life and I feel like I don't appreciate the time we spend together enough; I work in the days now and he works in the night so I want to appreciate the time we spend together much more and hopefully get out of the house and enjoy the world more. Even if that means going to a park or a coffee shop, it'll be nice just to do something a bit special a couple of times a month.

4. I need to force myself to text some friends from university, from school... Even from my old workplace! I want to rekindle old relationships and really make an effort to keep my friendships as they were obviously formed for a reason so it's a shame not to keep them up. I really miss some people and that's something that I can make an effort to change.

 

Happy Things #5

 

1. My boyfriend bought me flowers for an anniversary which not only really cheered me up, it was a lovely gesture and I always love receiving flowers from him. 

2. I'm looking forward to having a weekend off, some time to relax and to simply have some 'me time', which I don't give myself time for often enough.

3. I've reignited a massive love I had for reading as a child and teenager. University and further studies took a lot of the pleasures I had from reading and I'm enjoying immersing myself in reading again.

4. I've got some treats like chocolate and some films to watch and enjoy during my weekend off which I'm excited for. I like watching film adaptations of books and seeing if it lives up to my expectations.

5. Wotsits and Frazzles have literally come my vice the last couple of weeks, whenever I want a quick, stress-free pick me up I always find some crisps to nibble on and I have no regrets.

 

Happy Things #3

 

1. My boyfriend bought me a bouquet of flowers and I have no idea why, but it cheered me up when I realised I hadn't missed any kind of special event; plus they look beautiful. Unexpected treats are always a good thing.

2. I'll be seeing my best friend at the weekend for some kind of catch up and/or late birthday celebration which will definitely involve some kind of eating out and enjoying each other's company.

3. Second week my new job, time to keep up the positive thoughts and try and keep learning as much as I can, as soon as I can. I'm very aware that I'm the new person and I don't enjoy feeling like I need to understand everything more. Time is the teacher and the healer, I can do this. First week was good, second will be better.

4. This weekend I'm off on both days, for the first time in what feels like forever; I'm not used to having so much time to think! This weekend I'm planning to actually get out of the house and I'm looking forward to going a local jewellery market with my mama, fingers crossed I'll find some unexpected items for great prices.

5. I'm thinking about getting a new piercing, I'm enjoying looking at the different choices and am excited to make a decision. Piercings always remind me of rebellious university days and I love it.

 

Happy Things #2

1. New beginnings are always hard, but you have to keep going. Even if it's tough and not what you expected, don't give up because it does get better.

2. Being sick is really hard and definitely shows the less glamourous side of your person to your other half; but if you love each other then you realise it doesn't even matter.

3. Working in day shifts and not night shifts, means less dark and cold hours spent awake and therefore a better sleeping pattern.

4. My boyfriend bought me a bouquet of tulips to celebrate surviving my first day at a new job and also just because he wanted to.

5. My dog is forever cheeky and full of cuteness, especially when I come home from work; she never fails to greet me the minute I walk through the door.

 

Farewell, 2016

I'm sorry about the last minute burst of 2016 based posts, what with Christmas and being ill I didn't use my brain enough to plan ahead and sort out all of these posts in advance. If I'm honest I couldn't wait for this year to be over. I feel a little like I'm reaching a cliché, but I wanted a fresh start, some time to revive, renew and re-energise my life. In 2017 I'm starting a new job, a job that will hopefully lead to a lifelong career and one that I hope that my confidence will continue to grow throughout 2017. In all honesty, 2016 was a strange year, it was half bad and half amazing. I met the love of my life, one of the most caring and thoughtful people that I've ever had the pleasure to meet and love. I also learnt a lot about myself and discovered that I have a lot more inner strength than I ever would have believed before. I spent a lot of the time thinking, evaluating and learning how to reshape my future. I've learnt that I'm the architect of my own destruction and also the architect of my own mindset. I learnt that confidence for me is forcing myself to act confident and then suddenly I am confident. Slowly, very slowly my mental health is becoming much better and I plan to keep this up during 2017. 

 

 

My dog, however spoilt and evil... She always manages to cheer me up with her little diva ways and taking her for walks along the riverside, during those walks I realised how much I find some form of solace in looking around and watching the world. I also realised that I actually live in a nice place and I've been taking it for granted for a long time, I want to explore London more and get to know the culture, the sights and enjoy life more to keep up a positive frame of mind. I've also enjoyed been more creative again after finishing university and working far too much to enjoy using the creative side of my brain. I feel as though I didn't achieve as much as I'd like during 2016, so in 2017 I'd really love to achieve more with my life. I want to keep blogging and continue doing more creative things.

 

 

This year I realised how much I hate flying, although it was worth it to go to Poland and get to know more about my boyfriend and where he's from... I also realised that I'm literally hopeless at learning other languages. I think that I have more of an idea about myself and who I am, what I've become and how I've changed. Sometimes good things happen to bad people and vice versa; as hard as it is, you learn to accept that and not let it affect you anymore. I don't know how I'd manage without Piotr and my closest friends, but somehow I saw the years end and the beginning of a new one, a new start. A second chance to be happy.

 

A month in instagram - December

Overall, I had a fairly lovely month of December and a lot of it was very positive; during this month I went to two job interviews and was offered both, which is why I posted the motivational quote 'she believed she could so she did' as I found it was something that encompassed what I felt at that time. I've tried hard to find some inner positivity as keep on going. I'm not usually one for looking at motivational quotes all the time but I felt like I needed to this month. 'Stars can't shine without darkness' was a mic one to keep me on a happier plane; sometimes you need to work through the darkness to find the light, which is something that I'm really trying to live by right now. Both of these quotes made sense to join with two of my favourite perfumes as they're something that make me happy.

 

This man has literally been my light in the darkness during a really hard year. He has a way of making me laugh and giving me comfort when I need it. In all honesty, I am actually hard to live with and be in a relationship with due to my mental health. One of the things that I love the most is how even just a walk along river becomes fun or interesting, it doesn't have to be all about spending copious amounts of money, its about having company that you really appreciate and enjoy. He's brought so much of my confidence back and everyday the love I have for him grows even stronger. Photographs are a fantastic way of keeping track of the memories that you make together.

 

I also have this thing about night time shots; I studied photography at A Level and University and my favourite shots were always those taken at night, or with heaps of shadows and darkness in. I always liked seeing how I could create a sense of mood and the contrasts between light and dark tones within an image and this interest have definitely pulled into adulthood. Oxford Circus at around 3am was lovely to walk along as it was empty at that time with all of the beautiful Christmas lights everywhere, it was a dream for me.

 

I've posted many different shots that I've taken for various blog posts this month all over my instagram and this month they seem to have become very pink and girly all of a sudden; I'm not that I'm very happy with my photography for my blog right now. Ideally in a few months I'd like to invest in a better camera as I feel like my iPhone is slightly limited. Although I'm not sure if it's the iPhone or the framing of the photographs. I feel like they're a little too busy. Seeing the images altogether in a feed does help you to determine what works and what doesn't and I'll definitely be using the less is more approach from now on, but it's also enjoyable to see how my blog is developing as I learn what I like and don't like.

  

I always try to make my instagram feed personal and not all about blogging, so I include images of what I've genuinely enjoyed in my day to day life; my boyfriend bought me some lovely flowers on Christmas Eve and although I'm not usually a fan of yellow, these gerberas were such a good way to brighten up a room from the dark and cold weather outside. They're actually still going strong two weeks later, which is amazing. I've been loving the smell of Yankee Candles recently, I've fallen in love with Red Raspberry, it's so fruity and strong; it literally powers through most of the house and I finally managed to find a Jean Paul Gaultier bustier perfume. It reminds me of a younger Madonna, but I also love how it celebrates the shape of the female form. Lastly, a picture of a bearded Piotr not looking like he loves the winter sunshine. Here's to having a good January!

 

Things I've learnt in 2016

 

1. I am a fighter. I've had a really shit year, and a great year in one. I met the most amazing man through a really rough time, to the point that I didn't understand why I was alive, or why I wanted to even be myself. I've never been so low, but somehow I met someone who stuck by me through thick and thin, highs and lows. Without him, I'm not so sure that I could fight this life, but I survived alone long enough to meet him. I don't know where my strength has come from, but I've learnt that the only way is up from here.

2. You make your own happiness. When I was severely down and depressed, with nothing to look forward to, I made myself feel even worse. Avoiding friends, losing touch with friends made me feel even more alone and isolated then I already was. Being unhappy in myself, unhappy in my job made me feel so trapped. Getting back in touch with friends, forcing myself to put make up on and leave the house, finding inner strength and pretending to happy enabled me to find happiness. They say that when you're down, you find your true fiends and they helped me to be happy.

3. You have to love yourself, to love someone else. I met someone so special this year and sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am; however, to truly love him I also have to understand that he loves me. Yes, I don't feel worthy but ultimately he does love me and I love him too; but I have to love and care for myself to be happy and healthy enough to keep this relationship together. It's about two people and both of us have to put in the effort, it can't all be one sided. I've learnt to accept my flaws and live with the fact that no one is perfect, he's definitely helped me to see the positives in myself.

4. Friendships don't always last. I finished university in 2015 and thought I had life long friends; in reality I've got one friend from university, two friends from sixth form and no friends from school. My closest friends are from work and even then, my closest friends are not the same as they were a year ago and that's fine, I guess. People change and we develop new friendships or improve on old friendships. My best friend is genuinely the closest I've felt to anyone in a really long time and I love her to pieces but I'll admit I've definitely lost other friends who turned out not to be as great as they seemed.

5. Strength comes from understanding. This is so, so important. I've relied on so many different people this year and that's actually ok. It can be hard to admit that we need support or help but sometimes a second or third opinion can really encourage you to see from a different perspective. This year I've learnt that it's good to listen to other people, that it's ok to rely on another person to be positive. Positivity and strength comes from within, but are definitely influenced by understanding and to gain understanding you have to learn. I found that to learn I needed advice and support, which I got in bundles from two of the most important people in my life. I'm so greateful that I learnt to share my troubles as I truly believe it saved my life.

6. Remind yourself of the good times. I struggle to remain positive a lot of the time. Recently I invested in a photo frame that hangs above my bed in a fitting heart shape. Inside the heart I keep a variety of photos of my boyfriend and family members on days that I've really enjoyed. It keeps me feeling happy when I'm having a bad day or week, as well as looking nice visually. Every time I feel a bit rubbish I try and think about a time I enjoyed to keep myself on a little happy plane as being negative doesn't help me focus.

 

The Boyfriend Tag

 

1. How long have you have you been together?

We've been together for six months, although it feels like longer as we've known each other longer than that and were talking a lot before starting to date. 

2. Where was your first date with each other?

The first time we met each other outside of work was a walk along the riverside and sat talking on a bench next to the London eye. We started to get to know each other a lot, he smokes and I don't and we both dislike being in the company of massive groups of people. Probably the most awkward part of the 'date' was seeing another couple having sex outside... We literally looked in the other direction and walked past. It was so, so awkward at the time but something we still laugh at in disbelief. It's not something you would expect to happen on a 'first date', but it made it memorable I guess. Actually the date was a couple of weeks before we started a relationship, so it obviously went well.

3. Where did you meet each other?

We actually met at work, I'm his boss and was told to make sure he was working properly during a busy period... It's safe to say that he didn't like me much as I spent the whole time standing and just opening a door for him to pass through. I let him to do all of the work, haha.

4. What was your first impression of each other?

I asked him and he doesn't remember... I remember thinking that he's very quiet, he doesn't speak much. Although I later found out he is actually quite shy unless he knows you fairly well, which would explain it.

5. What was your first kiss like?

It was a bit of a spur of the moment thing, he was smoking (like always) and I just leaned over and kissed him... he kissed me back, so it can't have been that bad, although he admitted after that he was really surprised as we weren't together at that time. He didn't complain though, so it must've been a good surprise haha.

6. Who said 'I love you' first?

I did, when he was taking me home on the night bus from work. Not the most romantic and he laughed me for saying it, before saying it back. Since then, we say it all the time.

7. When did you meet each others family?

He met my family towards the end of August and they loved him pretty quickly even though he's quite shy, and he moved in with me in October so they definitely liked him. I met his family in November when we went to Poland which was a bit scary as they don't actually speak English so it was a bit based on sight alone, but I got lots of hugs and a Christmas card, so I think it went well too. Everyone is pretty supportive of us, which is lovely.

8. When did you know you were in love?

I knew pretty quickly, although the test was when he went to Poland for three weeks in August and I missed him so much, and he missed me lots too. We were talking every single day that he was there by text and video calling more or less everyday, it was during those three weeks that we both realised that it was getting serious and not just a dating thing.

9. Do you argue, if so, what do you argue about?

We always argue about little things, like who will clean the room or who is hogging the bed or duvet. We rarely have big arguments but when we do it always ends up in tears and it's usually about the future and how we'll manage to build it together, such as talking about money.

10. What is the most common thing you guys do when seeing each other?

Well we live together so we see each other everyday, to be honest we usually watch YouTube videos, eat and just talk together. I like seeing his happy face if I wake him up and show him I've made breakfast that day.

11. Who wears the pants in the relationship?

Friends, family and workmates would say that it's me, but they're definitely wrong. Piotr does, I do listen to his opinions the majority of the time, although I guess most of the time we're fairly equal actually as he listens to me as well.

12. What do you love the most about your partner?

His constant love and support. I can be moody and stressy as hell when I'm having a bad day mental health wise, yet he always does his best to give his support even when I'm not the most grateful. He's also very funny and makes comments that cheer up a lot, just one comment or a hug can improve my mood a lot.

13. Do you ever get bored with each other?

Not really, we work together but different days and times and living together came quite naturally. I enjoy his company and I think he enjoys mine.

14. What is his/her bad and good habits?

He sleeps so much it's unreal... he can sleep at least 12 hours a day, easily. But that said, it's not the length of the sleep, it's the fast he can't sleep before 3am that so frustrating as I usually sleep at around 11pm so, as we share a room it can be a nightmare to fit in sleep. However, on a positive note I love how clean he is, he's constrantly brushing his teeth or in the shower which is a good thing as well as never forgetting his keys.

15. What is your boyfriend good and not good at?

He's very protective and looks after me really well; when I'm not feeling good he has this amazing habit of running to the local shop and buys me crisps, chocolate, magazines and other things he thinks will make me feel a bit better. Another time, he took me to work at 3am because he was worried I wouldn't be safe on the bus alone which was adorable too. I'm lucky. He's not a massive talker which can be difficult as I talk a lot, but he tries... Plus English isn't his native language so I appreciate that he even bothers aha.

16. What was the first thing you noticed about one another?

I noticed his voice, he has a really nice voice. He noticed my hair, apparently. 

17. What are your nicknames for one another?

This is going to sound so strange, but we don't actually have any nicknames for each other. We're not that kind of couple that saves each other as Love or honey or hubby with hearts in phones, we have our names. I guess I you could say that I call him a form of nickname as I call him 'Peter' the English version and not the Polish 'Piotr', but that's about all.

18. Do you inspire each other?

He inspires me to get better and want to better myself. He makes me want to get up in the mornings, go to work and want to build a future. 

19. Is your partner romantic, sweet, funny, serious or a mixture of all?

Piotr is a bit of a mix of all of those, he can be very romantic and sweet, with gestures of flowers, chocolates and attention but he can also be very funny too. He makes little sarcastic comments that never fail to make me laugh and always sends me Facebook messages with stupid memes and jokes for me to laugh at. Alongside that, he can also be serious and takes any problems or issues that I want to discuss seriously and always listens to me, even if he doesn't like what he hears.

20. Do you wish to stay with each other for a long time and do you see a future with one another? 

Yes, we've discussed the future a lot and it's something we're both excited and ready for. We live together already, so it's definitely a lasting relationship that will hopefully keep growing with time. I can't wait to see what the future holds for us.

 

Visiting Poland

In the last week of November my boyfriend and I went to his home country of Poland for a few days. Being terrified of heights the thought of flying was fairly horrible... Especially as I hadn't got on a plane since I was 11 years old and I'm 23 now, so you can imagine how much I didn't even want to think about the flight, plus I had an added pressure of meeting his family for the first time. The flight went as badly as expected, I didn't like it at all. The take off was particularly scary. On the way to Poland we ended up landing in a different airport to the one that we had booked, which added to my stress as it was due to bad weather conditions. Piotr found his friend in the airport and we ended up in a car for roughly 3 hours in the biggest fog I'd ever seen to get to his home city and family house. A 3 hour journey ended up taking around 7 hours... It was a stressful start, as my anxiety isn't always the best on a regular day in a regular situation.

 

However, once we arrived in the right city it was a really pleasant trip; it was so cold outside. It was mostly a family based trip, so we didn't see too many of the typical tourist sights. It actually was snowing a little, which I hated as it made everything so slippery... From the photos you can see the Market Square, with Piotr dancing around and being funny; the start of Christmas coming with the Christmas decorations and lights already in place. The Market Square reminded me a bit of Trafalgar Square with the podiums and decorations, but slightly cooler with cobblestones and interesting architecture. Everything seemed to be either a bank, pub or kebab shop, which was a interesting array of places. There was also a massive shop devoted to alcohol only; definitely conforming to the British stereotype of Europeans having alcohol available at all times. That said, I saw much less drunks around than I would in London, so they obviously know how to control themselves.

 

On another note, I don't think I've ever eaten so much in my life... I literally ate roughly 4 or 5 times per day, whereas at home I eat maybe twice? I was actually struggling to finish plates of food, oops. Seriously though, all of the cakes in Poland looked so appetising, to the point where I just want to buy them all. I didn't, I took photos instead. I wasn't sure what to expect or what the country would be like, I went with an open mind as it was more of a family orientated trip, but the parts that I did see I did really like. Now I'm back in England I just feel as though I want a permanent holiday for the next month. Because Christmas has suddenly started to appear, there were Christmas decorations being put up in the town so I have started to feel a little festive, which is nice but also a bit exciting as it's the first Christmas I'll be spending with Piotr as well. But a bizarre ending to this post, sorry about that, haha. If visiting Europe is something you want to do, definitely check out Poland as it's fairly inexpensive and has a nice atmosphere. Plus the majority of people manage to speak English, which is useful :)

 

A month in Instagram - November

Overall, November has been slightly unexpected; it feels as though it has literally disappeared, it's gone so quickly. On a positive note, this means Christmas is coming  and therefore so is all of the fun stuff that comes with holiday time. At the start of the month of November I watched the bonfire night celebrations with my boyfriend who hadn't been before. His comment was that fireworks are always nice but didn't understand why we celebrate omeine who tried to blow up our parliament buildings. Fair point, I suppose... Especially as I couldn't even give him an answer. Clearly didn't pay enough attention in history lessons in school.

 

During this month I've definitely eaten far too much and naturally with that comes far too much weight gain, oops. But to fair, living with someone who has a good appetite is the perfect excuse to eat nice things, like pancakes with golden syrup, cream and fruit. Plus, I've learnt that the only way to love your life is to appreciate every part of it, and that definitely includes good food. I went on the night tube a couple of times, which was a fun experience I suppose. Most people are either drunk, begging or on the way to or from work. It's a bit like getting on a shit night bus, but faster. I bought some uggs which have literally saved my life in this cold weather... My feet suffer the most of my whole body during the winter months and after using my brain for once I finally decided to look after the, with comfy and warm shoes. 

 

The end of the month brought another unexpected journey, Piotr and I went to Poland for a few days. The country is nice, but the flight really wasn't. The positive side to flying is that it wasn't too long a journey but the downside is that it made my anxiety absolutely awful... Like really, really bad. I spent much of the time really confused due to the language barrier, but thankfully I did have a translator with me all the time. It was so cold, to the point that even wearing uggs all the time I struggled to keep warm but it was nice, the view of the city lights from the hills was amazing. I tried to take pictures but wasn't successful, sadly. I've never seen such pretty cakes and sweet things in my life!

 

Life as a Bucket List

 

The other day I had a discussion with my friend and I came to the conclusion that the reason so many people are unhappy with life right now is due to the fact that so many of us, intentionally or not, view life in a 'bucket list' format. A lot of my friends definitely view life as a success only by 'ticking off' goals or fulfilling expectations of either themselves or others. I, myself am also very guilty of this. The struggle is, I suppose, managing somehow to find happiness and not measure it in any way. However, that seems like an unrealistic expectation for anyone, as happiness is always measured somehow; either by yourself or by those surrounding you.

"Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful." - Albert Schweitzer

BE REALISTIC

This is definitely key to feeling better about life; having a positive attitude will enable you to to focus. If you stop measuring life by what you've achieved or not and instead concentrate on what is going well in your life, you will automatically be happier. By not having any excessive expectations of yourself you can find a find of contentment without feeling the need to be in constant control. I've become a bit of a perfectionist with age, so this is something that I do have to work at. However it's important to learn how to channel your inner control freak. Sometimes you have to think to yourself that if you're obsessed with having better, it will be impossible to be happy with what you do have.

"Life is like a camera... Focus on what's important. Capture the good times, develop the negatives and if things don't work out, take another shot." - Ziad K. Abdelnour

FOCUS ON YOU

Most recently, I've learnt that putting yourself first doesn't make you selfish. Sometimes you have to think about yourself in order to be happy, or at least feel happier. I'm sure everyone has that friend who never seems to be around when you need them, or when you have a problem. I've learnt that sometimes you need let these people drift out of your life. There's no point in begging people to be around you, especially if you're not feeling positive as it will just drag you down again. If you continuously focus on what makes you happy, and what you want then you're much more likely to get it. Confidence is genuinely the key to providing happiness, as difficult as it is to find. I doubt that anyone in the world is 100% happy with themselves but the sooner that you accept yourself for who you are, the more likely you are to find like-minded people and therefore grow a new, more supportive friendship group.

"Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones." - John Lennon

FIND AN OUTLET

Blogging has become a really useful way of letting out my emotions; I spent a long time thinking that life wasn't worth living and that I had nothing, when actually sometimes you need to make you life the way you want. I've always been creative and so that was an obvious thing to re-ignite within my life. As I enjoyed photography so much during my studies, I knew that was something I wanted to go back to, blogging has become a great way to mix photography with reality and it has become a visual diary for me. In the next few months I'm looking forward to starting to scrapbook alongside this as a way of keeping positive. I'm planning that whenever I'm down, I can look through the good times and remember that it can always get better. I've had a really rough year, most of it ruined thanks to negativity and depression but I feel as though I'm finally back on the right track; at last I'm looking forward to the future and actually feel in control of it.

"An entire sea of water can't sink a ship unless it gets inside. Similarly, the negativity of the world can't put you down unless you allow it to." - Anonymous

A/W16 Must Haves!

 

Autumn and Winter is definitely a time for blanket scarves, parkas and boots for me. At the moment it's incredibly cold and almost constantly raining in the UK, to the point that it feels so difficult to make an effort to go out and look like you feel nice. During the winter months, I personally prefer to stay comfortable and as warm as possible, as opposed to looking amazingly stylish. That said, I'm never the most stylish person you'll ever see or meet out and about. I also tend to to stick to more neutral toned clothing when it's cold and overcast, wearing creams, greys, blacks and khaki greens.

This winter I've definitely found a range of places that fit into the comfortable and warm ideal of clothing. H&M have got lovely and toasty fleece leggings in a variety of colours; I bought black and grey, obviously haha. They're such a staple item, they go with literally everything and were so cheap at £7.99! (Buy here) However, I also love jeans from H&M; I'm very short, at just about 5ft tall so it's great that I can buy wider and shorter jeans as I'm a good size 12-14 by find that their jeans in size 12 are really comfy for me. I like the distressed black of these, and they're a bargain at £14.99, too. (Buy here). Alongside jeans and leggings, I also love a good chunky knits to layer underneath a coat to really keep me warm. I love cream or white jumpers to constrast with black or grey that have cable knits. (Buy here)

Moving on to outerwear, when it starts to get really cold I always forget about looking after my feet. I have naturally really dry skin that needs so much TLC it's a joke... the majority of my creams are for my feet. However, until recently I never really connected the cold weather with why the skin in my feet is so much more painful in the winter months (I'm so clever, obviously). As a result of this realisation, I decided to invest in some ugg boots. (Buy here) no exaggeration, they are so incredibly comfortable and I honestly have noticed such a difference not only in my skin, but also in the fact that I feel so much more warm in general now. I would recommend buying these to anyone, I love them!

 

That said, if I want more of a shoe that fits all outfits then I'll always go for a classic Chelsea boot. ASOS have some amazing options at the moment in different styles, shapes and colours. (Buy here) I have so many pairs in different colours, to the extent that even my boyfriend was saying I basically wear the same shoe all the time! But they're so comfortable and perfect for the autumn and winter months when you need a bit more protection on your feet. I like to wear them with chunky socks to make sure my feet keep warm as well as dry; at the moment I'm loving the Zoella lifestyle gift set (buy here) because I like the softness of the socks as well as the fact they're grey so with everything. Plus you get a nice candle which smells so nice and freshens up any room, too. I also have a bad habit of always buying a new scarf every year, to the point that I have literally such a collection now. My favourite one is actually from Hollister (buy here) and it's so soft and so warm and thick, it's perfect for the cold weather. I love blanket scarves because you can use the, in multiple ways; as a scarf or as a blanket and you just feel so wrapped up and ready for the cold.

Finally, I like to pair all of the above with a nice warm coat, and my preferred coat of choice is a parka (buy here) because a Sherpa lining and a thick hood are the perfect combinations to protect yourself against the cold weather. I also love how many pockets parkas have, because I'm the kind of person to put so many things in pockets, like an iPod, headphones or Oyster card. I do feel the cold a lot, so I find that a parka keeps the warmth in my body, especially paired with a blanket scarf. Everyone needs a good handbag, and I have literally had the same bag for four years, a Longchamp bag. (Buy here) although it was fairly pricey at £70, it's definitely worth every penny. I use it all the time and it's never failed me, it holds so much stuff and is completely waterproof. Plus I feel like it looks minimal and nice; I always use the navy one as the colour goes with any outfit and is appropriate for any occasion. What are your must haves for this time of year?

Bonfire Night // Life Update

 

 

Hello again! November has been a fairly positive month for me, thus far; I had a weekend off for the first time in absolutely ages and took the opportunity to see the bonfire night (or 05/11?) fireworks next to the local funfair with my boyfriend. It's been so so bitterly cold recently, it's as though November arrived and so winter has suddenly appeared from nowhere... Not sure how I feel about this, I always feel really rough and under the weather when it's super cold. I suffer with stiff joints and the cold weather really doesn't help my bones.

The fireworks themselves were super pretty and worth the effort of walking through a million hills due to road closures. Plus, it was nice to do something other than work at the weekend, haha. For the first time in a long time I felt like making an effort and putting some make up on and looking more like the confident person I used to be; hopefully this is a sign I'm slowly getting a little better, taking each day as it comes. I'm starting to feel lucky to be alive again, as opposed to being constantly down and having daily panic attacks. Although they're still present, they're slowly getting less frequent and I feel more in control of them, which can only be a positive thing.

I've found that I actually enjoy cooking, even if I'm not even good at it. It's enjoyable watching other people enjoy something you've made just for them, and those fruity, syrup-y, creamy pancakes were definitely a good idea... So so delicious and filling on a lazy Sunday morning. I've enjoyed spending time with my boyfriend and generally being in his company. November is looking like it's going to be a good month, as we're going to Poland this month... Ever so slightly terrified, for various reasons, especially the cold. Eek. Let's hope the rest of this year will be as good as this month is going :)