Anxiety Struggles

 

Having started a new job literally last week, I've once again found that my anxiety has gone sky high again. Nothing can prepare you for the insane feelings of loneliness that you will inevitably feel. What I've struggled with the most is not only the dreaded feelings of loneliness, but also with feeling useless and therefore like I have no clue what I'm doing. However, what I've found the hardest is letting go; not knowing what I actually am supposed to be doing, or having any kind of control over anything. This probably sounds a bit pathetic, but after being in my last job for five years, I knew more or less everything that was expected of me and how to do it. Whereas now I feel as though I need more help, more direction; I'm not used to feeling like I need to be told what to do constantly, I'm used to simply knowing what to do.

The worst thing about changing jobs is the lack of confidence that I'm currently experiencing; I feel like I need everyone to like me, everyone to constantly give me advice or tell me that I'm doing ok. Pathetic as it is, I'm deeply insecure right now. I'm literally scrutinising myself so much right now, my weight, my height, my physical looks and my mental capacity. I hate admitting this, but I'm struggling right now, which is really stressful as just a few weeks ago I had been taking great steps to realise that I was doing better, I felt a huge amount of positivity headed my way. However, I guess with huge bouts of positivity, it makes sense that negativity follows that as not every day can be a good day, just as not every day can be a bad day.

I guess I'm learning that the good days and the bad days are all valuable lessons; realistically life isn't as simple as always being up or always being down, you have to work for your luck. Yes life is difficult right now, but in a few weeks time I'm sure I'll be much better again. At the moment I'm adjusting to having a new job, a new schedule and potentially a new life. I really miss my friends, my old job (something that I would never have dreamed would be true) as I was in a comfortable state. Although what's keeping me going and pushing through with my new job is that I can't stay the same forever, I need to change, I need to encourage myself to reshape, relearn and reassess myself. I want to push myself to better myself, as difficult as it feels. Living with anxiety is so incredibly hard, but whenever you manage to pull through, you feel so good for it. So yes, it's hard right now but in a month or so, I'll be proud of myself for surviving this rough patch. Because I am a survivor.

 

Happy Things #3

 

1. My boyfriend bought me a bouquet of flowers and I have no idea why, but it cheered me up when I realised I hadn't missed any kind of special event; plus they look beautiful. Unexpected treats are always a good thing.

2. I'll be seeing my best friend at the weekend for some kind of catch up and/or late birthday celebration which will definitely involve some kind of eating out and enjoying each other's company.

3. Second week my new job, time to keep up the positive thoughts and try and keep learning as much as I can, as soon as I can. I'm very aware that I'm the new person and I don't enjoy feeling like I need to understand everything more. Time is the teacher and the healer, I can do this. First week was good, second will be better.

4. This weekend I'm off on both days, for the first time in what feels like forever; I'm not used to having so much time to think! This weekend I'm planning to actually get out of the house and I'm looking forward to going a local jewellery market with my mama, fingers crossed I'll find some unexpected items for great prices.

5. I'm thinking about getting a new piercing, I'm enjoying looking at the different choices and am excited to make a decision. Piercings always remind me of rebellious university days and I love it.

 

Favourite Instagramers! #7

As I'm sure anyone who bothers to read my blog regularly must know, I'm forever on instagram; even if I don't post frequently I'm always liking posts or scrolling through finding new people to follow and generally enjoying looking through how people share their lives through photos. One of my favourite things about instagram is that you don't need to read the caption if you don't want to, you can just enjoy seeing images and forming your own likes and opinions from them. This month I've liked quite simple, but interesting photos.

 

_oliviabeth

Olivia's instagram is both simple and personal, filled with the things that she loves such as converse, handbags, lazy days and make up. I liked her feed because it doesn't stick to a rigid theme, it feels real and more personal than typical blogger accounts full of pastels. Her instagram seems like a genuine reflection of her life, with selfies, food, travel and architecture all making an entrance in at least two photos. I liked how real she comes across and yes, her images are lovely but they're not too contrived either.

 

sophiemakeup

As her username would suggest, Sophie is very into make up which is hardly surprising considering that she's a make up artist. Also a blogger, her feed definitely has a theme, but I like how each photo is different but feels quite busy, there's so many things to look at in them. Where Christmas has just been and gone, a lot of her more recent posts are related to lifestyle and beauty Christmas themed items such as red lipsticks, scented candles, chocolates and fairy lights. To be honest, she literally has the most incredible make up collection its unreal!

 

liquidgrain 

Kathryn has some beautiful photographs of her dogs, alongside sunsets, architecture and food. As a blogger and vlogger, she uses instagram as a platform to show her favourite pieces and also documents the various areas of her life. Her graduation from university, her travels and what she reads. The quality of her photography is really, really good with a wide range of subject matters. I followed her because her feed is polished but personal, it's doesn't feel fake with a rigid theme; instead it's more of a go with the flow kind of feel, which I really like.

 

fee_schoenwald

Fiona is quite the fashionista, with many of her posts being centered around that. At the moment she seem very into black and white in both her fashions and her posts; other than fashion, she's also into travelling, lifestyle and beauty. Her feed is very hipster cool, with a minimalistic feel that I really love. She has the kind of feed that makes you lust for her lifestyle, but it comes across as so effortless and graceful. Even photos of ice cream somehow become classy in her photographic style, it's crazy!

 

palomaindisguise

A girl after my own heart, her style is simply impeccable, yet so affordable as the majority of her clothes and accessories are purchased in Oxfam and other charity shops which for someone on a budget is a massively inspiring as it just shows that it you have a sense of style you can find amazing pieces from anywhere. She has a lovely feed, bright and cheery with a lot of quirky landscape images thrown in, too.

 

Happy Things #2

1. New beginnings are always hard, but you have to keep going. Even if it's tough and not what you expected, don't give up because it does get better.

2. Being sick is really hard and definitely shows the less glamourous side of your person to your other half; but if you love each other then you realise it doesn't even matter.

3. Working in day shifts and not night shifts, means less dark and cold hours spent awake and therefore a better sleeping pattern.

4. My boyfriend bought me a bouquet of tulips to celebrate surviving my first day at a new job and also just because he wanted to.

5. My dog is forever cheeky and full of cuteness, especially when I come home from work; she never fails to greet me the minute I walk through the door.

 

Favourite Blogs! #6

One of the things that I genuinely enjoy about each month is discovering more of the blogging world and learning more about what kind of content I like to read and hope to write myself one day. It feels like every month is a learning curve in terms of blogging (I'm still a relatively new blogger) and so finding new blogs to read is a fantastic way to find inspiration and also gives me a bit of a focus, a want to keep going. This month I've been loving the five blogs listed below and I'm looking forward to reading more of their posts in the next few months.

 

http://www.icecreamandclara.co.uk/

This is one of the blogs that I found incredibly recently and I really love its pink, pastel romantic feel. It's definitely a girly blog with a massive love of pink, to the point that even the suggested buys or hauls are all pink items. I like the mix of hauls, baking, fashion and beauty items. The majority of the posts are beauty reviews of new or recently discovered products, mostly in pink. One of the most interesting things about her posts is that they're very simple with stunning photography that includes little snippets of her personal life, such as her son or her must have beauty items of the moment. You start to feel a closeness through the internet with people, which is strange but nice.

 

http://www.mojichlo.uk/

Mostly a lifestyle blogger, you can see Chloe's creative and media influences throughout her blog. As she is a media graduate, you can see the more creative side of her through her photography. It's also nice to see how she embraces where she lives and make a guide to things to see in Bristol for readers who have been asking where the best places are to visit. However what I liked the most was the more honest posts, on fairly unusual topics like the contraceptive pill or why she doesn't like growing up and getting older. It's nice to read real life experiences and not just sponsored posts, you feel a kind of relationship with the writer.

 

http://www.copper-garden.co.uk/

Jessica's blog is definitely very established and has a wide range of posts to suit a variety of different audiences; one of the best things about her blog is that she posts regularly so there's always something new to see or read. More recently she's started posting a lot about fitness, which I'm liking as I'm hoping to force myself into fitness a little more this year. However, on the whole her posts are very fashion based, with references to styling, current trends and how to tailor clothing to specific shapes. All of these are interesting, but my favourite posts are the most lifestyle related posts, I just seem to like seeing how other people enjoy their lives.

 

http://www.bethanlikes.com/

I found Bethan's blog fairly recently and liked it almost instantly, it's nice to see someone who likes a lot of things be passionate about all her different interests. I enjoy reading her posts about books she's read  and what kinds of books she plans to read. Her photography is very simple and subtle but works well against the layout of her blog which is also fairly simple but effective. I particularly liked her blogmas posts of Christmas markets and decorations as well as a theme of 'Sunday posts' which I really like the idea of rounding up a good or bad week in one post; each month she writes a post about what she's looking forward to that month which seems like a great way to stay both positive and focussed.

 

http://www.hollylovesthesimplethings.co.uk/

Holly is a perfect example of a young fashionista whose blog has formed a career; working as a model she's got a very lovely ethereal beauty that matches well with her simplistic yet sophisticated blog. She often posts about fashion or what shoots she's done recently, which is interesting to see and the quality of the photographs are obviously fantastic. She's naturally loved by the camera, but equally seems totally passionate about what she posts on her blog and what she wears and how she styles herself. However, what's also great is that she talks about serious issues too, such as mental health issues which raises awareness to younger teens and or those her age too.

 

Happy Things #1

In 2017, I'm determined to start the year as I mean for it to go on. I'm now a strong believer that it is YOU that shapes your future and therefore YOU who needs to take the steps that make things happen. The purpose of this post (and the series that will eventually follow) are to serve as a reminder of all of the positive things that will keep me going on my down days. This blog has become an online diary for me and so I'm choosing to share my happy moments with you.

 

1. EXPLORING. Seeing, believing, living. It's so important to focus on what you enjoy and I love watching the world go by, yes it's a massive cliché, but it's genuinely true. Every time I look around at the city I live and work in I realise how much I've taken it for granted. I want to be a tourist, learn more about trivial things and push myself to enjoy life. Reflecting on the past and present and dreaming of the future will make me stay positive. I'm grateful for being able to live in such an open minded, free society.

 

2. FRIENDS. New, old, lifelong. They're all important and each one of them has had an impact of my life whether I've noticed it or not. Keeping in touch isn't difficult in this modern age and yet we seem to struggle somehow. I want to break out of having too many things to do and get back in touch. Starting with this week; I'm grateful for the support of others when I least expect it.

 

3. CREATIVITY. When I pushed myself back into blogging, it was because after graduating from university I lacked a creative outlet; I genuinely missed the buzz that comes of productivity and using my brain to bring an idea into being. Blogging brought back a lot of that buzz and actually helped to refine myself and also regain a lot of positivity into my life.

 

4. A POSITIVE MINDSET. Recently I've definitely seen a spark within my mind that has somehow, very suddenly, begun to see the positive side of life. Having spent a lot of time at rock bottom, it's refreshing to have found a light unexpectedly at the end of the tunnel. Now that I've found that light, I'm very grateful and genuinely never want to let it go.

 

5. LOVE. It's something that translates into any language, but believe me when I say that love is definitely what kept me alive during those, long tough months at the bottom of a black hole. I'm grateful to the one person who stuck by me through thick and thin, even when I couldn't even love myself. There were days, weeks and probably months where I was the last person who you want to look after or be with and yet somehow I found someone who managed to love even when love felt impossible and undeserved.

 

Goals for 2017

 

I originally wrote a post like this back in 2015, which ended up being a major fail as I got absorbed in my final year at university and never kept up my goals or this blog. Since then, I haven't been massively into New Years resolutions as I never seem to keep them. However, during 2016 I definitely found some inner strength and so I want to try and keep up a positive attitude to life and so I'm determined that this year, I will challenge myself to keep to my goals and basically improve myself.

Relationships - I want to keep in touch with friends more and make an effort to meet up and enjoy the company of others. When you get older it's hard to keep that closeness when you have what feels like a million different things to do. I also want to keep up good relationships with my family and also my boyfriend. I feel like I can really improve on this area of my life, and relationships are built on two people so I need to work at it.

Hobbies - This year I intend to focus more on my creative side, which means blogging, photography, reading, drawing and scrapbooking. Last year I feel like blogging went well and I want to continue using my creativity to find a kind of peace within my mind; being creative helps me to relax and sharing my likes, loves and dislikes with the world on this little corner of the internet has been a really good experience for me. This year I want to build on what I've been doing and try and meet other bloggers and keep being inspired.

Adventure - I really want to get out of the house more and explore the amazing city that is London. The beauty of London is that however much you explore it, you'll always find something or somewhere you've either never noticed or never seen before. My boyfriend isn't British and he's always trying to push me to do more things and see more things and so it's now the time to listen, no more negative thinking or letting anxiety rule, time to get off and enjoy every minute of life.

Holidays/Time Off - There so many places I'd like to see, both in the UK and abroad, but ultimately I also want to keep more time for me, myself and I. Time to think, breathe and relax. The past year was rough and I didn't give myself enough time to rest, this year I intend to let myself rest more and take more time out, even it's a only weekend away with Piotr, it'll refresh the brain and keep my positivity levels up.

Health - I'm not my heaviest weight right now, but it's creeping very close. I don't actually weigh myself often, but physically I feel very unfit and uncomfrotable as realistically many of my clothes don't fit as well as I'd like right now. I want to push myself to drink more water, eat less crap and actually force myself to do some exercise. It's not all about physical looks, it's more about getting my mental and physical health in order. Exercise doesn't only benefit the body, it also benefits the brain. This is probably the most difficult and the most important of all of the goals that I've laid out here; it's something that's been pushed to the back of my mind for around 4 years it's definitely the time to push this goal into gear. 

Work - As I've mentioned briefly in another post, I'm starting a new job literally this month. A proper, salaried graduate job; the kind that I dreamed I would find when I was a final year student in university. Miraculously only 15 months after graduating I actually have a fantastic career prospect ahead of me and I'm determined not to waste it. It feels like the perfect start to a refreshing new year and I am going to make the most of every minute and push myself to work the hardest and best that I'm capable of.

 

January Playlist!

 

1. Wild Things - Alessia Cara

2. Find Me - Sigma (feat. Birdy)

3. Closer - The Chainsmokers (feat. Halsey)

4. Cold Water - Major Lazer (feat. Justin Bieber & MØ)

5. Overdose - Alessia Cara

6. City of Angels - 30 Seconds To Mars

7. Shout Out to My Ex - Little Mix

8. Learn To Love Again - Lawson

9. I'm Yours (Demo) - Alessia Cara

10. Speakerphone - Rixton

I've been enjoying a lot of the music that I've had on playlists on my iPod more recently, as in, music that I've added in the last six months or so... I listen to music a lot whilst I'm travelling to and from work; it helps me to relax and feel more at ease with myself, although sometimes I listen to music really loudly to keep myself awake. I'm torn between listening to music on iPhone where the sound quality is amazing, but it kills my battery or an iPod nano which has not so good sound quality but good battery life... Decisions! Hope you like the playlist :)

 

Favourite Youtubers #1

Hello again, new year, new blogposts. Every month I write about my favourite instagrammers, music or blogs. So, I decided it was about time I wrote about my favourite YouTubers as well. Like most people nowadays I spend a ridiculous amount of time online and so it makes sense to write about what I like and see. A lot of the internet does inspire me, although I'm not sure if YouTube would suit me; I'm much more of a writer then a speaker, although I do enjoy watching videos as it helps me wind down after work and before going to sleep. The channels below are the ones that I've been watching the most at the moment.

 

RhiannonAshlee - RhiannonAshleeVlogs

I've been watching Rhiannon since she was more well known as FashionRocksMySocks, so basically for a really long time. However more recently I've been loving her vlogs and seeing her develop as a mother; as we're the same age it's both weird and interesting as it seems like we have lots and nothing in common. I find her to be really relatable and one of the most honest young mothers to watch. I like that if she's just having a standard say, she still vlogs and never hides the struggles of juggling having a job whilst her family are still growing. Plus her fashion sense is still as amazing as it was in her early videos.

 

sophdoesnails 

I've only recently started following Sophie, but I've literally binge watched through so many of her videos; one of the things that I really love about her channel is that the majority of her hauls and reviews are cheaper items that most people can afford, not only expensive items. For example, she recommends make up for all price ranges, from very limited budgets (Poundland, Primark) to high end budgets (Jeffree Starr, Kylie Jenner) which is great, if, like me, you don't have hundreds of pounds to spend. Her hauls are often from Primark too, which is relatable for people on a budget and she comes across as really honest and sweet.

 

sophielouisebeauty

It's rare to see fairly popular youtubers with full time 'real life' jobs but it's actually refreshing. It suddenly makes YouTube seem a bit more normal, too. Her channel is pink, girly and full of fun challenges and make up hauls. The majority of the items she shows are really reasonably priced, from Superdrug or Primark and her overall personality is really fun and upbeat. Her make up collection videos, room tours are really nicely filmed and definitely a girls dream as they're filled with lots of pink and storage space in surprising places, like under desks. She regularly posts haul videos that are from easy to find and afford places and gets madly excited over cute things, which I find really endearing.

 

sunbeamsjess - extrasunbeamsjess 

Jess definitely comes under the genre style and fashion vlogger; I like her honesty particularly in vlogs where she talks about being at uni and juggling uni work and YouTube work such as editing and uploading. One of the main reasons that I followed her channels was because I like how she documents her weeks by outfits and explaining how she styles herself; another thing was that she documents what books she's reading or what books she's enjoyed. When I was younger I was massively into reading and I need a boost to get back into it. After seeing her videos I'm now thinking about what I should read, so she's a great inspiration for both your brain and body.

 

ThoseRosieDays

I've been watching Rosie's videos for a while now and recently her subscriber count has literally grown and grown. At the moment her videos are mostly focussed on her travels around the world, firstly on a trek around America and currently backpacking around Asia. Her travelling videos are great if you're unable to travel and want to see some sights or firsthand experiences of travelling. Other than these, she's also into beauty and cooking, with reviews of Kylie Jenner's lip kits and testing Primark make up to see if it does what's expected of it. She comes across as very down to earth, friendly and honest and up for adventure.

 

Farewell, 2016

I'm sorry about the last minute burst of 2016 based posts, what with Christmas and being ill I didn't use my brain enough to plan ahead and sort out all of these posts in advance. If I'm honest I couldn't wait for this year to be over. I feel a little like I'm reaching a cliché, but I wanted a fresh start, some time to revive, renew and re-energise my life. In 2017 I'm starting a new job, a job that will hopefully lead to a lifelong career and one that I hope that my confidence will continue to grow throughout 2017. In all honesty, 2016 was a strange year, it was half bad and half amazing. I met the love of my life, one of the most caring and thoughtful people that I've ever had the pleasure to meet and love. I also learnt a lot about myself and discovered that I have a lot more inner strength than I ever would have believed before. I spent a lot of the time thinking, evaluating and learning how to reshape my future. I've learnt that I'm the architect of my own destruction and also the architect of my own mindset. I learnt that confidence for me is forcing myself to act confident and then suddenly I am confident. Slowly, very slowly my mental health is becoming much better and I plan to keep this up during 2017. 

 

 

My dog, however spoilt and evil... She always manages to cheer me up with her little diva ways and taking her for walks along the riverside, during those walks I realised how much I find some form of solace in looking around and watching the world. I also realised that I actually live in a nice place and I've been taking it for granted for a long time, I want to explore London more and get to know the culture, the sights and enjoy life more to keep up a positive frame of mind. I've also enjoyed been more creative again after finishing university and working far too much to enjoy using the creative side of my brain. I feel as though I didn't achieve as much as I'd like during 2016, so in 2017 I'd really love to achieve more with my life. I want to keep blogging and continue doing more creative things.

 

 

This year I realised how much I hate flying, although it was worth it to go to Poland and get to know more about my boyfriend and where he's from... I also realised that I'm literally hopeless at learning other languages. I think that I have more of an idea about myself and who I am, what I've become and how I've changed. Sometimes good things happen to bad people and vice versa; as hard as it is, you learn to accept that and not let it affect you anymore. I don't know how I'd manage without Piotr and my closest friends, but somehow I saw the years end and the beginning of a new one, a new start. A second chance to be happy.