Education; a blessing and a curse.

 

I would say that I received a reasonably good education, even if I went to one of the worst secondary schools in my local area. Let's be completely honest, most inner London schools at any level are not exactly seen as fantastic; many people would argue that unless you pay a significant amount of money you don't get a good education. From the age of 5-8 I went to a Church of England Primary School and hated the majority of my time there, mostly because I was bullied for most of the years spent there. Aged 8-11 I went to a school in the neighbouring borough and statistically it was the best school in the surrounding area. I was probably my happiest at school during this time, for no particular reason. I excelled and genuinely enjoyed learning at this point, possibly because I felt settled and had a good group of friends.

At 11 years old, I went back in the Church of England School system and although the school went from being statistically excellent to inadequate I did enjoy my time there. During this time I definitely found myself and my interest in art... In fact I never really did anything but art whilst I was there but it was actually comforting to be encouraged to do well at something I loved. The school itself was very regimented, even to the point the amount of stripes on your tie were counted as you entered the school gates and naturally I rebelled.

Unfortunately I'm one of those people who doesn't enjoy being told what to do, what to dress or how to behave and obviously at a strict school that doesn't go down well and I struggled to fit in with the expectations given to me through the 5 years I spent in secondary education. It was during my secondary years that I realised that I have more mental health problems than the average person but somehow I managed to pass all subjects, with my highest grade being A and lowest being a D. I had the potential to do better but lacked the necessary self control to do better. Basically, I focussed on subjects that I wanted to do well in and had planned to later study at A-level.

Moving on to sixth form, I would say these years were the worst two years of my life. I enjoyed my studies, actually. I studied English Literature, Art and Photography but ultimately I really struggled to fit in, having not attended the school before, everyone already had friends and no interest in including me in anything. Sounds strange but it ruined my confidence and definitely had a negative affect on my mental health and in all honesty I was just desperate for those two years to be over to move on and go to university. Since the age of around 14 I had been interested in perusing a career in teaching and so going to university was the obvious next step, and I somehow managed to pass my A-Levels with reasonably good grades and gain a place at university.

In all honesty I wasn't exactly overjoyed with the university I went to; it wasn't a university I applied to thinking 'I would love to go here', but out of 5 choices I was accepted into 2 and so I made the decision to choose whichever I preferred of the two. Looking back I actually regret not taking a gap year and re-applying to university, but at the time I was thinking, well next year the fees are increasing and I was determined to graduate with the least amount of debt that I could, to the point that I refused to consider to apply to universities outside of London, or even move out of my family home during university. As I chose to study Art, I had to first complete a foundation year and this was a year that I really enjoyed. I love being about to learn about all kinds of art and exploring what form of art suited me and what I wanted to persue. I passed my foundation with a B and I was actually so happy when I saw I got 100% in a photography module. During this year my mental health was at its most controlled and a that definitely shows through my results and how much I learned during that year.

After that I decided to study BA (Hons) Fine Art and I chose not to change universities because of financial reasons and having such a amazing time during the foundation year that I was genuinely excited for what laid ahead. During my first year at university, I really enjoyed the work and found that drawing and photography were my main interests. It was more difficult than most people would assume, as everyone that I knew outside of art college always had an assumption that art is easy, when actually I always had a literal mountain of work to complete, alongside essays. I passed the year with good grades and was looking forward to starting second year, having enjoyed the first.

Second year was where it all went a bit downhill; I struggled with my mental health again after the realisation that this course wasn't really what I had hoped. After discovering my love for drawing in first year, I then found out that drawing was not an option in second year and I chose to dabble in sculpture... However the kinds of sculptures that I created were not exactly typical sculptures and i had to argue my way a lot, which was a nightmare. I also began having panic attacks and struggled to speak out loud or voice my opinions. I debated dropping out many times, but I suppose what kept me going was not only the fear of 'failure', but also a hope that if I made it to the final year, that it was be better towards the end.

In all honesty, third year was strangely bittersweet. On the one hand, I realised that I absolutely detested the practical work. On the other hand, I realised that my dissertation was the most interesting part of the university experience for me and I'm still proud that I managed not to drop out and finish the whole four years, somehow. Throughout my education I was never top at anything, always slightly more remarkable than average but I never really achieved anything of importance. Now that I've finished education (unless my crazy self does eventually follow through with a masters) I can that my fear of failure still exists, albeit in a different context, but I'm not longer afraid of being average. In fact I've learnt that I have to accept it. It didn't matter how much or little was paid for my education, my grades wouldn't have been better or worse as it is dependant on me and not a financial situation.

Exploring England

 

Roughly a week ago my mama and I travelled to The Cotswolds to visit Birdland Park and Gardens in Bourton-On-The-Water. The village itself is between Oxford, Gloucester and Cirencester, however we stayed in a hotel in Cheltenham and travelled to the village as we know Gloucestershire well from many years of holidays there during my teenage years. My mama has a slightly bizarre obsession with penguins, therefore for her birthday we wanted to do something she would enjoy and so Birdland was an obvious choice to combine two ideas; fun and animals.

Possibly the strangest thing about Birdland is that there is no glass like is in London Zoo; you can practically touch the Penguins, and indeed many of the other animals. For example, chickens just seem to roam free around the park. Its surroundings are incredibly rural, next to a river canal and even inside the park itself there are many wide growths and almost forest-like areas, allowing the birds to feel more at home in a natural habitat. We watched the Penguins being feed alongside a speech from one of the keepers. He explained and answered questions about how the Penguins deal with such hot weather and also more in depth about the different kinds of Penguins they have.

It's fascinating to watch the animal being fed, as the most enjoyable part of the feeding process is the talks given to audience alongside the feeding. You can watch flamingos and Pelicans being fed, as well as the Penguins. However the largest crowd was at the penguin feeding. 'Meet a Keeper' is another interesting activity to do whilst you're there,many the fact that all of these activities are free is pretty incredible, especially considering the low cost of the ticket price to enter the park. During the meet a keeper session you can ask questions and even hold some animals, such as the tortoises; children seemed to love getting to be close to the animals.

We also made our way around the park, seeing flamingos, pelicans, some reptiles and many others. The park is more conversation than a zoo and is constantly breeding new animals, including baby Penguins. There are so many different birds, some in aviaries and some flying free. Aside from seeing animals, as a nature reserve it's also a beautiful place to sit and enjoy company and simply watch the world go by, which I did whilst eating ice cream from the café; it's nice to enjoy your surroundings without any hassle or masses of people around. Even in the middle of the summer holidays it was fairly stress-free and chilled out. Having now visited Birdland twice, (the first time in December) I can guarantee that it's definitely worth the trip and different every time. A great alternative day out :)

Monthly Reflections

 

As the months begin to change from summer into autumn, I start to think that almost another year is gone and I still don't feel like anything much has been achieved. Looking back, this year on paper doesn't look like I've achieved much at all in comparison to last year. This time last year, I got promoted at work and graduated (albeit not with a grade that I was happy with) from university. This year I've achieved... Well, I'm in the same job and literally so poor that it hurts to look at my bank account, but then money isn't the most important thing in life.

I'm actually far more happy now than I thought I ever would be. I really disliked university with a passion, although I don't regret going, I wish I'd changed courses or universities, but what's done is done and I survived, which is actually an important point and one that I need to remember. I'm in a relationship with the most supportive person, who listens and never judges and I'm so grateful for that, because when you have mental health issues it's really important to be able to talk to someone about everything and let out any negative thoughts as well as any positive thoughts.

As I get older, I'm definitely more aware of the importance of having a good group of friends and also the importance of maintaining friendships. I always used to think that the more friends you had made you happier, but now I would rather settle for less friends that mean more to me. It's bizarre how much you learn as you grow. One of the most important things that I've learnt this year is that the journey to happiness is never easy; sometimes you have to feel like utter shit to realise what makes you happy. Keeping up relationships with friends and family is definitely key to having a more positive outlook towards life, and as the month draws nearer to a close I'm beginning to find happiness is more within my reach this month than it was last month. Small steps make a massive difference and I need to keep reminding myself that everyone in this world fights their own personal demons everyday; I am not alone.