What is Mindfulness?

 

Throughout the past couple of years I've been swept under a rock, so to speak, by my depression and mental health issues in general. Over the past year I've learnt to control my feelings a little better, I won't say that I'm perfect because I'm truly far from it but I've developed a set of habits which have successfully kept me a little more positive to the point where they've almost become a part of my life. Mindfulness is a concept that I found incredibly inspiring and also helpful. It basically means (to me at least) devising a number of ways to find peace with yourself, a way of controlling your mental state through finding positive ways to keep your mindset stable and well, combating feelings of stress, depression, anxiety and loneliness. Instead of dwelling on the past or dreading the future, you focus on what's happening in the present and improving the now.

FIND YOURSELF

For me, the hardest thing was starting over; starting a new job and leaving some friends was so difficult. That said, the challenge forced me to leave my comfort zone and pushed me to be the best kind of me. It's still hard some days and it's not easy to start again but sometimes the only way forward is to live and to learn, to move on by focussing on what you have rather than what you have not. As you grow older, you realise the person you were at sixteen, eighteen, even at twenty one is not the person you are now. In ten years time you'll have changed again and that's fine. I've learnt that you have to embrace the positive side of change and use it to your advantage; whether that's changing jobs, learning a new skill or finding a new activity to get involved in.

BE HAPPY

The key to mindfulness is that by making a routine, having some kind of focus you ultimately will find some kind of happiness. Yes, the happiness may not last for every single hour of every single day but you will definitely see an incr are in you ur self esteem. By understanding your self worth, life will suddenly seem possible again. Little things like taking a walk or reading will definitely free up your mind and remind you that it's possible to enjoy life. It's so important to let go and try not to overthink every little thing, as hard as that sounds it's such an important part of recovery. Embracing recovery is part of the journey to happiness. Maybe your happiness is travelling, experiencing new things. Perhaps you'll find happiness in seeking comfort in family and friends, but the important thing is to work out what makes you happy and focus on those things.

ENGAGE IN A HOBBY

One of the main things that has really improved the state of my mental health is finding hobbies; I've found a love in blogging, reading and scrapbooking. The whole point of mindfulness is to use spare time to fill up with enjoyment that keeps the mind busy and leaves no spare time for negative thoughts. My boyfriend recently told me about an article he read about instead of self harming, draw with felt tips in the places you intend to harm as to power your mind and body with the world of distraction which results in positive thinking instead of dwelling on negativie thoughts that don't help anyone. The negativity filters through when you have the time to overthink, finding hobbies will prevent overthinking as they take up your time. Plus, through scrapbooking you can see all of the good times visibly in photographs which helps to notice the good times.

 

Favourite Blogs #8

Hello again! I've found that I stress out a little before I write a blogpost. I always overanalyse whether anyone bothers to read my blog, if I'm basically writing something to myself. I worry that there are so many bloggers everywhere now, how could my little corner of the internet possibly be of any interest to anyone? Over the last few years I have definitely realised that I'm very hard on myself. The reason I like blogging is that I like writing and taking photographs; since leaving university and working a lot it's become a means to express myself creatively, which is why I love it so much. However I also love reading other people's blogs; they're a fantastic way to gain inspiration and also understand other opinions about life, beauty products, mental health... There are as many themes for blogs as there are bloggers and I've found that every month I discover a new blog that I enjoy.

 

www.itslittlelauren.co.uk

Lauren's blog is literally amazing if you're into food, girlie things and interior design; I love how she keeps it real and posts about living with a chronic illness as well as being really honest about how she built up her blog and instagram following. As a new blogger, it was really lovely and helpful to read about how she edits her instagram and blog photos, as well as an honest post about what really goes on behind the scenes of the perfect instagram photograph. Her blog is so polished and is like a dream with the colourscheme of pink and white and endless posts on make up. As she's got really lovely taste in Make Up, I honestly trust all of her recommendations as I feel like she only posts something that she really likes, which I think is great in a blogger.

 

www.northernnancy.com

At the minute I'm really enjoying looking at established blogs alongside new blogs; Abbie's blog is more in between those two. Her posts often contains beauty, fashion and liftesyle as the content but my personal favourites are her beauty posts. Her make up collection is one to be desired and I've been loving the posts where she clearly swatches out different lipstick shades and types from matte mac ones to nyx liquid lip creams as she has a similar skin tone to mine. I also like how she directly talks about different trends, such as the 90s beauty trend of brown lipstick as it shows she actually knows what she's writing about and has taken the time to find out about a topic. I feel like she only writes about subjects that she feels confident about, which is something that inspires me.

 

www.sophielouisesdiary.com

I would describe Sophie's blog as being a primarily fashion based, which is different for me as I usually prefer beauty blogs. That said, I really like how she mixes her travels with her outfit posts. She's a new blogger too, which is always nice to see as I enjoy watching blogs develop from small followings to larger followings. Her outfits are effortless but classic, her sense of style is great and I like how her photographs don't look overdone; they're more like street style snaps which is nice as it feels like she's taking you on a journey of what she wore throughout the day. Her most recent post touches on what trends are expected for spring and summer, which is a nice reminder that nice weather is just around the corner (hopefully)!

 

www.littlegirlfromwales.com

Another smaller blog that I've been loving this month is more of a travel and food related blog. Gwawr is a trained chef so her baked goodies look simply delicious. What I love about her blog is that it's not all about the views, or who is reading. It's literally like a visual diary and I personally find that both refreshing and inspiring. As someone who has grown up in London, I enjoy seeing others who show their hometowns, and Wales always looks so beautifully rural; many of Gwawr's posts feature her native Wales and she discusses how no one appreciates where they are from until they've been somewhere far away for a while. She definitely deserves much more attention than her stats suggest she does.

 

www.memyselfandivy.com

Amy's blog about her family is lovely. It's not the typical family goals life as her eldest child is chronically ill and often they're out and about the hospital; yes I do think that is absolutely horrible but at the same time I think it's incredible that she uses her blog to raise awareness of childhood illnesses. Amy often posts about how to donate or help hospital causes, which I believe most people who just breeze through life take for granted. Her blog also document her family life in terms of holidays, outfits, activity days and general life as a mother. As I don't have any children myself I can't say that I understand her situation, but I truly admire her strength and would love to see her blog continuing to support her growing family!

 

Happy Things #10

 

1. Last week I actually took the plunge and decided to sign up for a gym membership. I'm excited to start getting more healthy as I don't feel happy with myself right now. As Piotr said, I alone have the power to change that, so I need to focus. This week is going to be the start of said focus.

2. During this week I want to try and improve my eating habits. I've been eating whatever I like, whenever I like with minimal exercise now that I've changed my job. I'm going to try and eat more fruit and vegetables rather than some of the more unhealthy foods that I do prefer.

3. Piotr and I have the same day off this week, so I'm planning to treasure the time we get to spend together. I have no idea how we will spend the time, but I'd like to make it special, somehow.

4. During the past month I've been struggling to keep positive, I want to try and keep on top of this and push my mind to reignite the positive frame of mind I had during January. It's already March, which means I need to keep reminding myself that time doesn't stop for anyone, I need to keep positive to create a life I love.

5. I want to keep up my new love of blogging and enjoy getting more involved with the blogging community. I would absolutely love to meet, or at least talk to some bloggers with some similar interests to me; photography, reading and beauty.

 

Favourite YouTubers #3

Hello again; it feels crazy to think that it's MARCH ALREADY?! I literally cannot believe that we're three months in 2017 when it feels like yesterday that I was celebrating the start of the new year. So much has happened since 2017 began and that's probably why I haven't even noticed the time slipping away. For the past couple of months I've enjoyed talking about YouTubers that have caught my attention and I've genuinely enjoyed watching. If I'm honest, I tend to watch YouTube in the evenings, before I go to bed or whilst I'm in bed to rest my brain before sleep. I've found that when I'm busy before bed, watching or reading something I tend to relax into sleep much better.

 

Roxxsaurus - RoxxsaurusVlogs

She has a massively established channel, but I only subscribed and started watching her recently. This is going to sound really strange, but I think that one of the reasons why I like her videos so much is that I find her voice so relaxing; she's Polish and her accent is really lovely to me. (Most likely because I'm used to polish accents and the Polish language - my boyfriend is Polish). Aside from that, I like her enthusiasm for various products and I genuinely like her personal style. As I have long hair too, the hair styling tutorials are definitely my favourite videos of hers as they're incredibly easy to follow. Plus she's got some amazing DIYs such as how to stage your own Harry Potter themed party! Which as a massive Potterhead, that is my kind of party.

 

Lucy Flight

I really like how involved Lucy's family are in her YouTube videos; her dad in particular is massively hilarious. Alongside that, she also uploads videos of her sister singing covers, which is nice. Overall her channel is mostly beauty related with so many videos testing out different make up brands and hauls from places like Primark and Lush, as well as make up looks inspired by famous faces such as Gigi Hadid and Blake Lively. I love her accent, too and it's nice to see YouTubers from around the UK, like Lucy being from Scotland. She also uploads so often, which is great when you want to watch a lot of new uploads. She doesn't have millions of subscribers which surprises me as she does produce good content; she's definitely one to watch.

 

musicalbethan - justbefon - acousticbethan

Bethan has been a part of the YouTube hype for a long time but I find that she still comes across as a girl next door; particularly as the majority of her videos are music and singing related, it's nice to see the platform being used to successfully showcase talent. However, alongside her musically based videos she actually talks about some more serious issues, for example sex, health problems (more specifically female productive organs) and just generally talks about subjects that will encourage people of any age to get more involved to care about their health. It's lovely to listen to someone with a fairly large following acknowledge that life is not always smooth sailing and give good, honest advice on subjects that aren't often talked about on social media platforms.

 

MsRosieBea

I've been watching Rosie for a couple of months now and I really like her effortless, flawless videos. As I have very pale skin too, I often appreciate seeing what products she's using at the moment, particularly foundations and contour products. She's currently at university and even her university room looks incredible, she has some really lovely tastes. I like that she has just one channel which also includes blogs as for me, that makes it easier to find a variety of different videos to watch as I enjoy listening to her voice, strange as that probably sounds. I like her personal style too and she often posts haul videos relating to homeware, skincare and clothing which are usually fairly well priced for someone like me who is on a budget.

 

inthefrow

I've been watching Victoria ever since finding her tattoos and piercings video several months ago. In all honesty she's probably not as relatable as some other YouTubers as she clearly has a lot of money; her taste is definitely more high end than high street, but I do still like her. Not only is her northern accent sweet, I also like that she's open and honest about how much her items cost and she addresses whether or not the items were actually worth the money, which is also useful; especially if you're planning to splurge on a big purchase. She focusses a lot on products that she loves alongside lookbooks and talks a lot about hair and the upkeep of dying your hair. Considering how much money she spends, I always enjoy watching her videos. Particularly the videos that compare high end with drugstore make up dupes, as I'm a drugstore make up girl myself.

 

March Playlist!

 

1. Leaving So Soon? - Keane

2. Helium - Sia

3. Touch - Little Mix

4. Falling For You - Ellie Goulding

5. Shape of You - Ed Sheeran 

6. Decode - Paramore

7. Work From Home - Fifth Harmony (feat. Ty Dolla $ign)

8. Heartbreak Down - P!nk

9. The Ballad of Mona Lisa - Panic! At The Disco

10. Helena - My Chemical Romance

 

Book Review: Fifty Shades of Grey

 

I have to admit, there was such a hype surrounding this book (and it's series and film adaptation) that I've been curious to see what the fuss was all about for quite a while. After having a browse on amazon, I took the plunge and bought it on kindle for a steal of a price. I was pleasantly surprised towards the beginning of the novel; the build up to meeting the main characters was interesting and there was a definite starting storyline. I enjoyed the banter between Ana and her flat mate, Kate and seeing their relationships with men develop. I initially found Ana to be quite a strong lead, until she become swallowed up entirely by the introduction of Christian, or 'Mr. Grey', which completely ruined her character for me. I found out through discussing the book with a work mate that it was originally written as fan fiction for the Twilight series. Once I knew that, I became more and more aware of little tidbits of similarities; for example, the lenghty and drawn out part where Christian and Ana discuss trust and she mentions that he 'dazzles' her. 

I felt like this book really undermined the female characters; the two main female characters come across as utterly lovesick to the point where they can't survive without men. Which was incredibly disappointing as both Ana and Kate were originally introduced as being level headed, strong willed young women who had clear ideas about life. However, by succumbing to their love interests they suddenly lost a lot of interest from me as a reader. The story being told from Ana's view was interesting, initially but became increasingly repetitive, particularly as the author was using the same phrases or descriptions throughout the book. On the whole, it felt like that the constant descriptions of how Ana feels whilst having or dreaming about sex were fairly unnecessary and a little bit pointless. I'm not a prude by any means, it's more that I simply didn't care. I didn't connect with what her character had become; the Ana at the finale of the book didn't match with the Ana the reader is introduced to at the start.

The main issue I had with this book was how Ana seemed to be constantly making excuses for Christian's unacceptable and frankly, abusive behaviour towards her. She was always excusing him and his ways through blaming his past, his family background and past lovers. Her insane jealously is geared  toward his (what she would call abuser, the reader would call) past conquest, whilst failing to connect the signs of abuse she believes he endured, with her reality. Somehow, Ana thinks it's reasonable for him to beat her almost senseless, that it's acceptable that she is forced to follow absurd rules and address him as 'sir'. Yet, despite this, there were times when I found myself sympathising with her; she's so incredibly naive. She's understandably overwhelmed by his lavish gifts and obviously adores having the attentions of this handsome man. However, there are also moments where she does defy him, where she seems to be able to control her desire for him and his attention; but she always returns to the same, dependant and lovesick persona.

Overall, I found the majority of the novel wholly unbelieveable. Considering that Ana had no experience with men, she somehow doesn't seem to realise how self destructive and erratic her behaviour becomes after several rounds of Christian stalking, beating, threatening and essentially controlling her in every way. I honestly can't understand how it took her so long to understand just how much Christian was ruining her; forcing her to stay using sex as a weapon. She eventually does realise that what she believes to be love, is in his eyes simply an easy fuck. Which leads me on to the last point; it was so frustrating reading so many descriptive words that could've been used replaced by expletives simply for the shock effect. The truth was, it stopped being so shocking and eventually became annoying. I'll admit, I'll likely read the next one as I am curious to see where the story goes as the ending of this novel did shock me. Ana eventually woke up, but not soon enough and I feel like the novel came across as a bit of bad joke. It had the potential to be an interesting commentary on abusive relationships, but I'm so angry that the whole book feels full of excuses that abuse and controlling behaviour in any context is ok, which it should never be. I feel like this book gives completely the wrong message, particularly to young, impressionable girls.

 

Overcoming an Alcohol Problem

 

Hello again; the post for a today is a slightly more intense topic at the centre point. I wanted to re-address something that I had mentioned on this blog months ago; the fact that I once had a genuine struggle with alcohol. It wasn't the classic version of alcoholic either, I want to make it clear that I was in no way an alcoholic. In fact, I was rarely drinking other than socially. I wasn't constantly thinking about the next drop that would hit my lips or determinedly finding situations to get drunk in. It took me many months to realise this, but overall the year 2016 was an incredibly difficult one for me. It had some highs, but considerably more lows; lows that have even been dragged into the new year, the fresh start that has been 2017. It started at a birthday party back in 2015, where I didn't drink excessively; if I remember correctly I drank roughly 3 ciders but that was enough to push my mental state over the edge and sent me into an angry, crying mess. My now best friend sat with me for hours outside, sobered me up and talked me through my problems.

That was the beginning of many months where I would go out and drink socially and be in complete denial about how much of a mess my mental health had become. I was no stranger to mental problems, but for literally years I'd done a good job of keeping that side of me fully closed away. It was as though my mind and behaviour was comparable to a doubled sided coin. The head, being my head - look sharp, think smart and keep it together. Never acknowledging how much stress was coming from my job at the time and an awful, abusive relationship. The tails, being my heart - completely ripped in two and struggling profusely to keep my shit together. Every so often, the tails would slip through and ruin every aspect of my life. I want from being confident and bubbly to someone who struggled with daily panic attacks. My anxiety was becoming rapidly out of control. Towards the latter half of 2016 I finally realised that the reason I was constantly suicidal and unable to cope when I had been drinking, even one glass; that, that was the side effect of the confidence that alcohol gives you. The thoughts and feelings that you are afraid to admit whilst sober are the things that rear their ugly heads the strongest when you've spend months constantly holding them in.

KNOWING MY LIMITS

The first step in my recovery journey was taking the biggest step of declaring myself teetotal. After a lot of conversation with my now boyfriend, I realised that if I wasn't able to drink even one glass or can without having negative thoughts then it was time to accept that I should cut drinking alcohol out of my life. It wasn't as hard as it sounds, as like I said I was not and never have been, an alcoholic. I was only drinking socially, but that wasn't ok. The social aspect was also part of the problem; my friends that I drank with were not true friends and used to make comments that would cause my mental health to spiral downward. In leaving those friends behind, I found I had no issues with being around others whilst they were drinking at a social event which helped me regain some confidence. By cutting out drinking for a period of time, I was able to relearn how to control those suicidal, negative thoughts once more.

ADDRESSING MY MENTAL HEALTH

Ultimately, the reason why I struggled with consuming alcohol was that it was bringing my adverse thoughts to the forefront of my mind. Mental health affects every individual differently and I have to say that my biggest mistake was pushing my problems to the back of mind; in short, by pretending that any problems didn't exist, it meant that whenever my mind wasn't completely in control of itself (e.g. whenever I was consuming alcohol) I wasn't able to prevent those thoughts coming out. By realising that alcohol was affecting my mental health negatively and ultimately preventing me from moving on with my life in a healthy way, I was able to focus on my mental health more through giving up alcohol. Without alcohol, I was forced to open up to my boyfriend and best friend. My two rocks throughout the past year. I learnt to put myself first and not rely on fake confidence, through focussing on improving my mental health.

LETTING GO OF NEGATIVITY

As I said before, 2016 was an incredibly difficult year for me and I'm still in the process of moving on and reforming my life. Communicating with my boyfriend and best friend meant that I no longer felt alone, I had two people who were always available to simply listen. When you are struggling, the best feeling is having someone to listen to you without interruption. Through having conversations and opening up my darkest fears and memories I've been able to move forward; in no way am I fixed, but I'm on the path to a much better place within my life. I'm no longer afraid to drink alcohol because of negative thoughts; yes they're still within the confines of my mind, but they're much less dominant than before and I no longer ever feel suicidal. I feel down sometimes, but I've definitely seen and felt an improvement with regards to my mental health since talking about my struggles. The most important part of my journey has been opening up and having a support network in place. You have to let go in order to move on; I will never forgive or forget, but I've reached a point where I know that I'm in full control. I'm at a positive point in my life and I never wish to go back down again.

FINDING MYSELF

After months of having the most agonising panic attacks, (to the point where I was having 50+ attacks a day) it was hardly surprising to those closest to me that I had no confidence. The worst part of depression is that it literally knocks the shit out of you, to the point that even getting out of bed is suddenly the biggest of tasks and to a regular person, getting out of bed is something effortless, completely uncomplicated. For me, the moment that I felt able to put make up on and feign confidence again was when I knew that I was prepared to face the world. I have stuggled with mental health problems since my early teens (on and off) and so I'd previously learnt feigning confidence brought me real confidence, after a while. But I'd be lying if my confidence wasn't increased by having my best friend and boyfriend consistently by my side, through thick and thin. Through alcohol pushing my negativity to the fore, I was able to see quite simply, how bad my state of mind had become.

   - - -

To conclude, I feel like this was a really important issue to discuss. Alcohol is something mentioned regularly on social media and in the media in general, actually. However, I feel like it's a taboo within society to open up regarding having an issue with alcohol; it's difficult even to be sober as it's such a normal thing to go to a pub for dinner, or indulge in a glass of your taste whilst seeing friends. I'm proud to say that if I hadn't of addressed and eventually overcome my alcohol problems, I doubt I would have ever confided in my best friend, or my boyfriend. Alcohol forced them to see me at my worst, and those two people definitely deserve to see the best parts of me. There is sadly a stigma placed upon those with mental health and/or alcohol issues and I feel like the majority of blogs focus on the positive side of life; I want to show that not all areas of life are perfect 100% of the time. My own life is far from perfect and this blog has not only become a hobby, but also a way of keeping busy, of keeping positive. I feel like my blog reflects that lack of perfection and I am absolutely fine with that.