A month in Instagram - August

 

I'm not usually a massive fan of summer due my lack of ability to handle the heat (my pale skin literally feels like it's burning up even though I never tan or burn...) as I don't sweat much I just seem to feel excessively hot instead. But I've actually enjoyed this summer more than I expected to. I've spent a lot of time with friends and really concentrated on enjoying myself more than I usually would. The first half of the month I got some postcards from Poland from my boyfriend, took my dog for many walks along the river and took my mama to Birdland for her birthday. I also indulged in a Starbucks and some ice-cream to cool down in the hot weather.

During the second half of the month I spent time with my boyfriend for his birthday and went on even more walks with the dog. (Might as well enjoy the nice sunset views whilst the weather is decent at that time). I attended a jewellery workshop and found more pleasant places to walk along; I've realised that where I live is a very instagrammable place... As well as that my insta-addiction is unlikely to wane any time soon, I think it's a great way to explore someone's life visually, as for me it's like a diary of where I've been or who I'm with at one time. I'm looking forward to September as Autumn is my favourite season and spending more time enjoying life with friends.

 

Farmopolis @ Greenwich Peninsula

 

One lazy Sunday afternoon my mother decided it was appropriate to force me out of the house for something other than work. Considering I'd finished work at around 3.30am that same morning and had about 3 hours sleep, it took a lot of persuasion to encourage me to want to get out of bed and do something. Farmopolis is a new site, based on the old jetty along the riverside of the Greenwich Millenium Village in the Peninsula area. It's a new 'recycling' based concept and fairly unique in many ways. Essentially an urban farm and organic restaurant, at the moment it is incredibly aesthically pleasing with hundreds of scattered plants and flowers surrounding the buildings having been transported from the Chelsea Flower Show.

The reason for going was because my mother has actually booked us in for a jewellery making course, although not the regular kind... Instead of using traditional jewellery making materials, such as stones or beads we were using dried flowers. We each made a ring using a glue gun, a 2 pence piece and real flowers, (a mixture of dried and fresh) and were given the freedom to design the ring however we wanted. I loved the brightly coloured flowers and even the thistles, but somehow I ended up with a foresty green set of florals, a more natural choice of colours. Completely different to what I expecte, but I actually really enjoyed taking part in the workshop and would like to try this technique again as the rings are all so unique but so beautiful. The downside is that they don't last forever, unfortunately.

The ladies running the workshop were from Electric Daisy Flower Farm and often make flower based creations and decorations for weddings and I have to say that my favourite pieces are the floral hair crowns which would look lovely at a summer wedding or festival. The jetty was a nice venue to hold a jewellery making workshop as the balcony flowers from the Chelsea Flower Show were places all along the riverside and made for some lovely photos against the floral rings. Plus as you will all know by now how much I love walking along the riverside it was so relaxing to just sit and take in the view and be inspired by nature. Not a bad afternoon considering how little I wanted to leave my bed, let alone my house! It's a shame that summer is almost over, really. Until next time :)

The pressures of Education

 

I guess this post is following on from my last post, in a way, except more focussed on university than my overall education. From a young age it was drummed into my head that it was so important to attend university. When I was completing my GCSEs, it felt like all anyone ever talked about was how important exams were, how you had to do well, how they would affect your whole life... The list could literally go on forever. The pressure is immense and it seemed like no one wanted to discuss options outside of further study and so I chose to do A-Levels. During A-Level it was a similar mountain of pressure; however this time it was all towards pushing everyone towards the path to university. At my school it was almost a taboo to not attend university. On results day there were teachers everywhere begging those unlucky enough to have got shit grades to somehow manage to still attend university by pushing them through the clearing process.

I applied to university for a number of reasons; 

1. Fear of the Unknown (e.g the real world)

2. Studying was all I knew at that point

3. Pressure from friends, family, school

4. Future career prospects

I was so sucked into the school system I felt that it was something I wanted to continue studying and I thought that university was the way to go. As you grow older the dreaded question becomes 'what do you want to do when you're older?' Actually for me, this was a fairly simple solution. I wanted to teach art and so university seemed like the obvious choice to do so. In fact I was so sure that I would teach that I had already mapped out how I assume my life would be. Basically the plan was, do an art foundation year, complete an art degree and then complete a PGCE and then be a teacher. In reality, life is never easy and rarely goes in the direction that we expect.

I really struggled with mental health during my time at university and got little help other than 'just deal with it' from the majority of people, which really wasn't the most helpful form of input given to me. As a result of this, my grades did suffer and during my interviews for PGCE I panicked and probably came across as a massive trainwreck (which I probably was, looking back). However now, I'm actually relieved that my life didn't go plan; I learnt that the cliché 'everything happens for a reason' is a definite truth. I've realised that I don't have a passion to teach and I also doubt that I have the confidence or the mental strength to do so. However I do still want to engage with learning and I'd love to work in a museum or gallery.

I would say that the massive flaw within our schooling system in the UK at the moment is that many schools are desperate to hit their targets in terms of results and number of pupils being accepted into university that many students are missing out on information on other options. If I could go back and change my plans, I definitely would have looked into options outside of university, or at least taken some time out to fully decide what I wanted to study and learn more about myself before jumping in at the deep end. The immense pressure to succeed and consistently deliver is definitely something which many students at any learning level struggle with. Although I was always average, the pressure still existed; ultimately I've learnt as I've got older, average is me and that's ok. I just wish that the schooling system had encouraged me to accept that years ago.

Education; a blessing and a curse.

 

I would say that I received a reasonably good education, even if I went to one of the worst secondary schools in my local area. Let's be completely honest, most inner London schools at any level are not exactly seen as fantastic; many people would argue that unless you pay a significant amount of money you don't get a good education. From the age of 5-8 I went to a Church of England Primary School and hated the majority of my time there, mostly because I was bullied for most of the years spent there. Aged 8-11 I went to a school in the neighbouring borough and statistically it was the best school in the surrounding area. I was probably my happiest at school during this time, for no particular reason. I excelled and genuinely enjoyed learning at this point, possibly because I felt settled and had a good group of friends.

At 11 years old, I went back in the Church of England School system and although the school went from being statistically excellent to inadequate I did enjoy my time there. During this time I definitely found myself and my interest in art... In fact I never really did anything but art whilst I was there but it was actually comforting to be encouraged to do well at something I loved. The school itself was very regimented, even to the point the amount of stripes on your tie were counted as you entered the school gates and naturally I rebelled.

Unfortunately I'm one of those people who doesn't enjoy being told what to do, what to dress or how to behave and obviously at a strict school that doesn't go down well and I struggled to fit in with the expectations given to me through the 5 years I spent in secondary education. It was during my secondary years that I realised that I have more mental health problems than the average person but somehow I managed to pass all subjects, with my highest grade being A and lowest being a D. I had the potential to do better but lacked the necessary self control to do better. Basically, I focussed on subjects that I wanted to do well in and had planned to later study at A-level.

Moving on to sixth form, I would say these years were the worst two years of my life. I enjoyed my studies, actually. I studied English Literature, Art and Photography but ultimately I really struggled to fit in, having not attended the school before, everyone already had friends and no interest in including me in anything. Sounds strange but it ruined my confidence and definitely had a negative affect on my mental health and in all honesty I was just desperate for those two years to be over to move on and go to university. Since the age of around 14 I had been interested in perusing a career in teaching and so going to university was the obvious next step, and I somehow managed to pass my A-Levels with reasonably good grades and gain a place at university.

In all honesty I wasn't exactly overjoyed with the university I went to; it wasn't a university I applied to thinking 'I would love to go here', but out of 5 choices I was accepted into 2 and so I made the decision to choose whichever I preferred of the two. Looking back I actually regret not taking a gap year and re-applying to university, but at the time I was thinking, well next year the fees are increasing and I was determined to graduate with the least amount of debt that I could, to the point that I refused to consider to apply to universities outside of London, or even move out of my family home during university. As I chose to study Art, I had to first complete a foundation year and this was a year that I really enjoyed. I love being about to learn about all kinds of art and exploring what form of art suited me and what I wanted to persue. I passed my foundation with a B and I was actually so happy when I saw I got 100% in a photography module. During this year my mental health was at its most controlled and a that definitely shows through my results and how much I learned during that year.

After that I decided to study BA (Hons) Fine Art and I chose not to change universities because of financial reasons and having such a amazing time during the foundation year that I was genuinely excited for what laid ahead. During my first year at university, I really enjoyed the work and found that drawing and photography were my main interests. It was more difficult than most people would assume, as everyone that I knew outside of art college always had an assumption that art is easy, when actually I always had a literal mountain of work to complete, alongside essays. I passed the year with good grades and was looking forward to starting second year, having enjoyed the first.

Second year was where it all went a bit downhill; I struggled with my mental health again after the realisation that this course wasn't really what I had hoped. After discovering my love for drawing in first year, I then found out that drawing was not an option in second year and I chose to dabble in sculpture... However the kinds of sculptures that I created were not exactly typical sculptures and i had to argue my way a lot, which was a nightmare. I also began having panic attacks and struggled to speak out loud or voice my opinions. I debated dropping out many times, but I suppose what kept me going was not only the fear of 'failure', but also a hope that if I made it to the final year, that it was be better towards the end.

In all honesty, third year was strangely bittersweet. On the one hand, I realised that I absolutely detested the practical work. On the other hand, I realised that my dissertation was the most interesting part of the university experience for me and I'm still proud that I managed not to drop out and finish the whole four years, somehow. Throughout my education I was never top at anything, always slightly more remarkable than average but I never really achieved anything of importance. Now that I've finished education (unless my crazy self does eventually follow through with a masters) I can that my fear of failure still exists, albeit in a different context, but I'm not longer afraid of being average. In fact I've learnt that I have to accept it. It didn't matter how much or little was paid for my education, my grades wouldn't have been better or worse as it is dependant on me and not a financial situation.

Exploring England

 

Roughly a week ago my mama and I travelled to The Cotswolds to visit Birdland Park and Gardens in Bourton-On-The-Water. The village itself is between Oxford, Gloucester and Cirencester, however we stayed in a hotel in Cheltenham and travelled to the village as we know Gloucestershire well from many years of holidays there during my teenage years. My mama has a slightly bizarre obsession with penguins, therefore for her birthday we wanted to do something she would enjoy and so Birdland was an obvious choice to combine two ideas; fun and animals.

Possibly the strangest thing about Birdland is that there is no glass like is in London Zoo; you can practically touch the Penguins, and indeed many of the other animals. For example, chickens just seem to roam free around the park. Its surroundings are incredibly rural, next to a river canal and even inside the park itself there are many wide growths and almost forest-like areas, allowing the birds to feel more at home in a natural habitat. We watched the Penguins being feed alongside a speech from one of the keepers. He explained and answered questions about how the Penguins deal with such hot weather and also more in depth about the different kinds of Penguins they have.

It's fascinating to watch the animal being fed, as the most enjoyable part of the feeding process is the talks given to audience alongside the feeding. You can watch flamingos and Pelicans being fed, as well as the Penguins. However the largest crowd was at the penguin feeding. 'Meet a Keeper' is another interesting activity to do whilst you're there,many the fact that all of these activities are free is pretty incredible, especially considering the low cost of the ticket price to enter the park. During the meet a keeper session you can ask questions and even hold some animals, such as the tortoises; children seemed to love getting to be close to the animals.

We also made our way around the park, seeing flamingos, pelicans, some reptiles and many others. The park is more conversation than a zoo and is constantly breeding new animals, including baby Penguins. There are so many different birds, some in aviaries and some flying free. Aside from seeing animals, as a nature reserve it's also a beautiful place to sit and enjoy company and simply watch the world go by, which I did whilst eating ice cream from the café; it's nice to enjoy your surroundings without any hassle or masses of people around. Even in the middle of the summer holidays it was fairly stress-free and chilled out. Having now visited Birdland twice, (the first time in December) I can guarantee that it's definitely worth the trip and different every time. A great alternative day out :)

Monthly Reflections

 

As the months begin to change from summer into autumn, I start to think that almost another year is gone and I still don't feel like anything much has been achieved. Looking back, this year on paper doesn't look like I've achieved much at all in comparison to last year. This time last year, I got promoted at work and graduated (albeit not with a grade that I was happy with) from university. This year I've achieved... Well, I'm in the same job and literally so poor that it hurts to look at my bank account, but then money isn't the most important thing in life.

I'm actually far more happy now than I thought I ever would be. I really disliked university with a passion, although I don't regret going, I wish I'd changed courses or universities, but what's done is done and I survived, which is actually an important point and one that I need to remember. I'm in a relationship with the most supportive person, who listens and never judges and I'm so grateful for that, because when you have mental health issues it's really important to be able to talk to someone about everything and let out any negative thoughts as well as any positive thoughts.

As I get older, I'm definitely more aware of the importance of having a good group of friends and also the importance of maintaining friendships. I always used to think that the more friends you had made you happier, but now I would rather settle for less friends that mean more to me. It's bizarre how much you learn as you grow. One of the most important things that I've learnt this year is that the journey to happiness is never easy; sometimes you have to feel like utter shit to realise what makes you happy. Keeping up relationships with friends and family is definitely key to having a more positive outlook towards life, and as the month draws nearer to a close I'm beginning to find happiness is more within my reach this month than it was last month. Small steps make a massive difference and I need to keep reminding myself that everyone in this world fights their own personal demons everyday; I am not alone.

Finding Tranquility

 

One the things that I truly love to do is go for a walk along the riverside. Part of me wishes that I lived by the sea, as there is something so calming about hearing the waves crashing along the seafront and feeling sand pressed underneath your feet. However, back to reality; I live within 5 minutes of a river, so it's the closest to the sea I will get whilst living in London!

I enjoy walking my puppy along the river, hearing the water crash and fall against the barriers and watch her tony self love life, running along and investigating anything she sees. I also like to walk alone sometimes as well, stumbling alone and reassessing my life. I always worry that I forget to think about myself, or take the time to simply evaluate what's going on in my life. I guess we all have a tendency to forgot about ourselves and concentrate on other people. I've realised that I'm constantly tired and so I need to make an effort to take some time out for myself, and spend more time with friends. Walking along the river puts me in an incredibly positive mood and makes me have more energy.

The definition of tranquility is the quality or state of being calm, and is synonymous with other word such as peaceful, restful and serenity. Walking around and seeing a mix of natural and man made sights is relaxing and definitely brings me to the tranquil state I crave. Sometimes I find that putting in headphones and listening to gentle music helps me to relax more and feel more at peace with myself, especially if I have a lot of decisions to make as decisions are never easy. Sorry for a slightly random post; I suppose what I was trying to say was always ensure you give some love to yourself in order to find some happiness as the journey to happiness is almost always a complicated one. Until next time :)